I Can't Think Of Anybody Else Who I Hate To Miss As Much As I Hate Missing You.

Have you ever come across a song that you used to love to listen to every waking minute of every day, just because it reminded you of someone you care/cared for unconditionally? Then, later on if and when things fall apart, the lyrics and the rhythm of that song that once made you happier than ever, make you want to cry your heart out? Yeah, welcome to my world. I don't just have one, either, I have MANY. And I can tell you right now, it's been overly hassling to my friends, since they try to help me avoid it, whenever it coincidentally comes up on the radio, or in a public place, just because I get that unstable every single time I listen. You wouldn't believe how much I can't even find the strength to listen to so many songs, just because of the heart breaking memories that rush back to me the minute I hear the first note. Call me stupid, or pathetic, really I'm completely aware. But if you were in my place, and I played a song that brought back the same memories, you wouldn't think it's as pathetic. Music is definitely a gateway straight to emotions. When I listen to music, the main thing that gets me hooked on a song is first the lyrics, then the sound of it in general. And these songs have both. All of these are probably songs you love listening to all the time, or songs you've never heard of a day in your life until you stumbled across this blog page. But either way, these songs will probably never have as much significance in your life, as they will in mine; I'm almost sure of it.

I can't even tell you how hard it is to listen to every one of these songs. I don't think I've listened to more than half of these songs all the way through in over a year.

Some of you may not understand, but when music is your life, that means it has to offer fun in times of happiness, an escape in times of confusion, but also horrible pain when you feel like you're at an all time low.

Each one reminds me of someone I painfully lost, mistakingly let go, or still can't get my mind off of, relationship wise. I guess in the bigger picture, none of this blog probably has any significance in your life, but if you're still reading? Thank you. It's nice to be heard every once in a while. More so, it's nice that someone cares enough to listen.

I want to hate you.

Everything lately is just a huge punch in the stomach, man. I'm tired of it.
I'm not strong enough for this, I don't know how I thought I could ever involve myself in something as epic as this, ever.

I wish more than anything that I could just HATE YOU.
But I can't. With every last bit of me,
I just... can't.

BK<3

I remember the first day we all came across just how close we all were. When we all decided to come up with corny nicknames, and of course the corny "group" name too. BK. Also known as Bakery Krew. I was Cupcake, Sarah was Cookie, Amanda was Brownie, and Chessie was Angelcake. To this day, looking back, it seems so strange that we decided all of that, but I sure as heck am glad we did. It was the kind of thing that we got so used to, we still use it today. I still have all of them in my phone under those names, and I love that it reminds me of our past, because that past is more special to me than I can compile into words.


I don't think I've come across any girls quite like these three. It'd be an understatement; a complete, flat out understatement to tell you every little amazing detail about them, or at all how much they mean to me. They are the ones who have never betrayed me, or painfully disappointed me. They've never left me, they've never judged me. For the majority of my life, I was always unsure of who my true friends really were. Moving so much, I guess I never realized how alone someone can be without a stable, sturdy group of friends alike to sisters, or at least one genuine best friend. How lucky am I to have come across three? Now, I used to believe that knowing someone your entire life, growing up with them, making memories from birth with them, were what made them (for the most part) best friends. But the days I've spent with these guys, ever since elementary, have made up for every single minute I thought I'd never find anyone to amount to that. These three girls have bigger hearts than anyone else I've ever met. Most people probably don't see it, but I think I'm kind of lucky enough to see it more and more everyday.


The thing I love most about us 4, is that we all come from different groups, with different taste and different attitudes. Sarah's into cheerleading, and socializing, and she's the type of girl with a pretty smile, and an attitude that could break a boys heart. Amanda's definitely more into the out of ordinary. She socializes, but mostly with the same type of people. She's into concerts, weird clothes, she's definitely hooked on music day to day, and gets herself in pretty intense situations. Chessie's just sunshine. She's sort of in the same category as Sarah, but something about her is different. She's head over heels in love with a boy, and just a social butterfly. And then there's me. I'm not sure what you could categorize me as, but I think I'll leave it in the "Other" category. But do you see what I mean? All of our attitudes rub off on each other, and that helps build our character as people. Good friends are ones that help you WANT to become a better person, not just push you to be one. One's that admit to making the same mistakes you do, not just look over them. One's who don't just care enough to do what you want to do, but care enough to watch out for you and fight back every once in a while. I knew from the day I met these girls that they weren't gonna bail on me like everyone else can, and in some cases have. Spending every weekend, and every day of summer with the same people may get boring to most people, but to me, it's a blessing, and an unexpected adventure.


Losing them would be something I don't think I'm strong enough to handle. Memories, and inside jokes, and pictures, and videos, and every small seemingly unimportant detail about our friendship is everything to me. I won't forget the old summers we would spend cooped up in Amanda's room, or the random trips to Walgreens "just 'cause we can", or the all-nighters we always pull, or the struggles we've all had to go through. Elementary school brought us the first experience of growing up, and figuring out what the heck we were gonna do about leaving little things behind, while starting to care about our image, and who we were friends with. Junior High School brought family drama, and a huge reality check with our character, as well as strong bonds between all of us, no matter how much emotional, and physical pain some of us had to face. High school brought excruciating heartbreaks, and never ending questions about life itself, and what we were all gonna do when we were older. If there were anybody else out there that I could have shared all of these struggles and gains with, I'm sure as heck glad it was these three. I really mean it when I say I don't know where I'd be without them. The day that they're not around as much as they are in my life now, is a day I really hope I never see.


Amanda was always there to help me vent, and was someone I could spill my life story out to. She could always make me laugh, no matter how stupid she could be. I'm so glad that she's been someone I could believe in, and who could believe in me. We've been through so much, and I can't believe we're still going strong to this day. Sarah was my first best friend in Arizona. She and I had started a kiddish band in Elementary, and who would have believed we'd still be attached at the hip to this day. A lot of factors about her have changed, but she's always gonna be that drama queen at heart in my eyes, and I just can't imagine her out of my life, ever. Chessie was someone I never would have thought I could have gotten this close to over the years. I guess she's always been around, always brightening my day, and always making me feel like I was worth something, which is incredible, to me. I love how we can talk about anything, and that she's so easy to talk to. All three of their houses are my second homes. All three of their families I consider my own. At this point, I don't even think of them as friends. I consider them sisters. And sisters are for life.

I like that we borrow each others clothes, yet never manage to return them. I love that we scream at each other, and call the other every freakin' name in the book. I like that we make stupid videos, act inappropriately, and take too many pictures. I like that we try to do spontaneous things, and that plans we make always fall apart. I like the way we are. No matter how broken we can seem, I wouldn't trade what we have for anything, ever. If there's anything I want them to know, it's that I love them for everything they don't even know they've done for me. So, here's to the girls who can always cheer me up and make me laugh. Here's to the girls who never seize to make my life so much brighter. Here's to the girls who probably know me a little more than I know myself... and always will.

Please never leave my side.

I love you Amanda Rian Walsh.
I love you Sarah Elizabeth Helterbran.
I love you Chessie Marie Fifield.

People.

1. It's kind of funny, I recently realized that you're the reason I got so into music. I don't know why, or how, but you're also the main reason I started writing songs, even though they weren't ever about you. I remember that one day in 8th grade when you showed me, on your ipod, something you wrote, and played entirely on your own, and I was extremely impressed. We weren't ever really close, except for that one period of time when things got very complicated, but I want to thank you more than anyone for getting me involved in one of my most favorite hobbies in the world.

2. Life would be 1,000,000 times easier without you around. I think you may be the only person I almost actually hate, and I don't even really know you.

3. I envy you. I envy your extreme belief, and I envy your ability to find such perfection in your life. I honestly believe the reason you and I aren't friends anymore, is because you've finally found yourself. I was best friends with a girl who was distraught, and troubled, still looking for hope and salvation. I was the one girl you could turn to since you were troubled, but now it's almost as if you don't need me at all whatsoever anymore; that's why we're so distant. I miss you terribly, but as mean and as selfish as this sounds, I miss the lost, imperfect girl who used to come to me for help and for laughs, instead of what a strong girl you are to this day. But either way, I'll always love you for who you are.

4. I'm soooo tired of missing you, it's unbelievable. I'm surprised that it's been this long already, and I still remember every little thing you used to do like it was yesterday. You know, I still actually have hope, no matter how pathetic I am. You've taught me so much, and you've done more than I think you'll ever realize. That kind of contributes to the fact that I'm still completely hooked, and I'll flat out admit it. I don't know what you did, but I can't help but care about you far more than I should. It's seriously killing me inside. I just wish you'd realize that.

5. You are probably one of the only girls who actually knows me genuinely, since you've been there through it all with me. Looking back, it's almost insane how much we've gotten ourselves into. One thing I love most about you is that I can tell you anything, and you never even judge me. That means the world to me that I can be 110% comfortable around you, always. I'm sure you know that there's so much more I could write, but I don't think pages full of words could do you justice. You're my best friend, you always have been, and you always will be. At the end of the day, when I have nothing left, or when everything goes horribly wrong, at least I know I'll have you. Thank you for being one of the greatest people in my life to this day, I love you so much for everything.

6. I still can't get over the fact that you can't get over yourself. That's why I know that this just won't work out. You're the only one who thinks otherwise. You're a chill kid, and I probably act like I dislike you more than I actually do, but that doesn't mean I'm not fed up with almost everything about you.

7. You are my only true, genuine hero. I miss you more and more every day. Since the day you passed, my life has gone entirely downhill. I never realized how much you had always been a necessity in my life until the day I had to fend off this complicated world without you. I won't let you down, now. You're the reason I'll keep singing, and I regret not doing it as much for you. I really hope you're proud of me. I love you.

8. You are one of the most hypocritical, unoriginal, most fake girls I think I will ever meet, and I hate it because I know that's not the girl you really used to be. Stop letting all of these little fabricated ideas control you. I want the old you back. More than anything.

9. You constantly shoot me down, and I'm tired of thinking of you in a negative way. I've always wanted a better bond with you, but I don't think I'm strong enough to ever do that with the attitude you have now.

10. You're a total sweetheart, and you're basically like a brother to me. You can make me laugh, you can cheer me up, and best of all, you were there for me when absolutely no one else was, and you actually dealt with me when I was at my all time low. But, one thing that's always killed me about you was that you only chose to talk to me when the time's right for you. I couldn't even come close to thanking you enough for everything you've done for me, and I love you so much for it, but I'm disappointed that I already know you'll just keep letting me down.

11. I really wish I could stop writing songs about you.

12. It's an absolute relief to know that you'll always be around. Ever since 5th grade, we've been close. We fight almost every day, but I don't ever worry about any of our stupid fights causing any end to our friendship. You've been there through thick and thin. You know me, since you've seen me at my worst and my best. It's awesome that I can spend so much time with you, without any worries. Your home IS my second home, and I wouldn't have our friendship any other way. Thank you for showing me what a true friend was, and thank you for never walking away no matter how hard times have been. I have a feeling we'll be this close until we're in the nursing home, STILL making fun of each other's stupidity. You're amazing. I love you more than anything.

13. You know, the day I finally got over you was a really good day. After all of the tears, all of the confusion, and all of the pain you caused me, I was so happy to have finally moved on. It was a long time ago, now that I look back on what we had, but after all of it I want to thank you. You were the first boy I had a thing with that got as somewhat serious as it did, and lasted that long. I'm sorry for all of the unfair pain I caused you just because I couldn't make up my mind. But I'd like you to know, that I really did like you more than I probably showed, due to the fact that I didn't know how to at the time. But I'm so glad you're happier now with your life, even though I'm not a part of it anymore. But I must admit on occasion, I miss the times when you and I were best friends. Oh, and I still can't listen to that song that you and I used to listen to all the time, because it reminded us of each other. I guess I was never strong enough to do that anyway.

14. You are annoying as heck, stupid, and just plain weird. But I'm gonna miss you more than anything when you go off to college next year. I just know it.

15. You are my sunshine! You're the one girl who always knows how to make my day. It's fun talking to you about life, and about old memories from past summers. I'm so proud to call you my best friend, and I'm glad you know you can talk to me about anything and everything. I love you so much, and I love that we've grown together. We've made each other stronger. You're so easy to talk to, and every time we're together is an adventure. You're one incredible girl. Please never leave my life, I don't think it would be at all as interesting without you around.

16. The only reason I'm still mad at you to this day, is because you weren't there when I needed you most of all.

17. I know we don't get to see each other much, but I want you to know you're a huge impact on my life. You're the reason I'm not as scared to get out in the world and do something, you're the reason I'm not a coward anymore, you're the reason I have perspective to just... live. Nothing I could ever do could repay you for that. No matter how distant we've become, just know I'll always care about you and I'll always be a phone call away. Thank you for being the strength and the push I needed all along.

18. I can get pretty upset with you at times, but you're actually one of my best friends. You're the only girl I know who I can talk to, who actually listens. You give me feedback, instead of just giving me sympathy. That's such a relief, and I know I'll always need you around. You're an incredible, strong girl. I love you for helping me calm down when I had a nervous breakdown in the girls bathroom. I love you for actually believing I'm not pathetic for the things I'm doing. I love you for being there for me, whenever I needed you.

19. I have always believed in you, and I still do to this day. Please don't forget that.

20. I care about you more than I care about most people, and I have no idea why, but I don't think you realize that. You are one of the stupidest, STUPIDEST kids I have ever met, but I would never dream of giving up our friendship. I couldn't live with myself if I knew something happened to you, and I didn't do enough to stop it. I just hope that one day you'll realize I do the things I do because I care. You even said yourself that I'm probably one of the only people out there who actually care about you, and it's true. You claim to care about me too, but I can't seem to believe it by the way you've been acting. Stop letting peer pressure get the better of you; that's not the kid I used to know. It's killing me now to drift apart from you, and I hate how much you've had to go through over the years. That's why I'm here for you. I always was, and I always will be. I made a promise.

21. I can't believe how much I was caught up with you. I thought you were perfect, almost, and I won't forget that summer that I spent basically every day with you. Thanks for the memories, and after a whole year, thank you for apologizing for what happened. It actually meant a lot to me.

Don't try guess who's who. Some people are on here twice, some not at all. This was just something for me, not anyone else. I'll probably do this more often, if I feel like I forgot someone, or have new opinions or feelings to vent. Thanks for reading.

Hopeless Romantic.

Finally, a "label" to describe exactly who I am, what I strive for, and what means a lot to me. All in two words, sixteen letters, five syllables. I am a hopeless romantic, and as sad as it is, I have always been one. All thanks to cute unrealistic romance movies, along with realistic, absolutely amazing forms of relationships I've been caught up in with boys. But with the cute, and seemingly perfect view of romance, comes the ugly, honest view as well. This involves, the never-ending heartbreak, and unforgettable loneliness that can literally drive a person mad. It's not exactly fair what's been thrown at me over the years, but I honestly can't complain, since I'm the one who's so bluntly obsessed with these ideas and aspects of "love" itself.

I don't like when people assume that I know nothing about relationships just because I haven't been in one. I can tell you right now that I've probably learned more about relationships, without being in one, than a girl who's dated every boy in school. I've basically been "involved" with guys that a girl could only dream about, since I guess I've learned to be smart at picking them out. My only weakness? Keeping up. I used to be afraid of committing myself to someone, no matter how much I knew I wanted it. I was scared, and I doubted myself as well as people around me. And I can tell you right now that doing so has made me lose some of the greatest boys I think I could have ever come across. But as much as many of these problems were my fault, not all of them were my fault. For example, I can tell you off of the top of my head several instances where I put everything I had out there to a boy, and was left for something or someone else, even though I did absolutely nothing wrong. Whenever anyone asks me what I want in a relationship, I'm surprised at how corny, yet completely honest my answers are. I truly want a long relationship, because I am not even close to being strong enough to only keep up those artificial 2 week "flings." I want a boy who can be like my best friend, someone who doesn't worry about impressing me, and someone I can be comfortable around. A total sweetheart, who isn't afraid to just hold my hand at every possible chance. Who can joke around with me and understand my humor. Someone who'll do those little cute things that girls love like, sending cute morning texts, or letting a girl know at random times in the day that they want to see them, "just because." A boy who's willing to forget about my past, forget about the hectic world, and just hold me sometimes. But do you want to know the saddest part of all of this? I had it, and I lost it. I come closer and closer to finally reaching this level of happiness, but something always seems to go wrong. And I'm still trying to convince myself that it's not my fault.

I miss a lot of things about being involved in that way with a boy, when now all I feel is alone, and used to being a third wheel constantly. I miss feeling good enough to write all of these happy songs about them, when now all I can do is write about the same old depressing facts. I miss it when I had you, and how I never realized how much I loved what you did until you weren't around to do it anymore. But it doesn't matter at this point, I'm assuming, no matter how much I could ever write or explain. I put my heart out more than I think anyone ever should, and even though I'm nearly positive you're already gone, I still hope that you're willing to figure out your way back someday.

I'm Desiree Varsha Srinivas, and I am a pathetic, lonesome, brutally honest, hopeless romantic.

SCREW THIS.

GAHHHHH.
screw arguing.
screw my dad's bad attitude.
screw my brother.
screw father's day.
screw crying.
screw being alone.
screw all of this.

nothing good ever stays. prove me wrong? i'll believe it when i freaking see it.
i knew i couldn't even stay happy for long. something always happens, ALWAYS.

Finally!

Today, I actually genuinely just enjoyed myself, and had fun.

I fell asleep at Sarah's house at 3am last night, with Amanda and Chessie.
And at 5am, me and Amanda decided to walk to Tropical Smoothie for their Flip Flop day free smoothie thing. I never really knew how perfect the weather was so early in the morning, and how peaceful and beautiful streets of Arizona I've always walked on could actually look.
I'm so happy I've just been laughing all day.
When I got home at around 10am, I slept for about 5 hours and then got ready to go to Corey's house to hangout with a group of people, and it was SO much fun.

We played twister, watched a movie, played cards, and just joked around and I was happy to be hanging out with different people than usual.

Today was just.. alright I was just happy today. Not saying that everything's perfectly okay now, but I'm just saying that for once I didn't worry about the overwhelming imperfections, and I actually enjoyed myself.

I really really really wish,

that I didn't have this many reasons to be crying right now.

I really want to be happy, as happy as I was just months ago.
I promise I'm not trying to get a sob story out of this, and I'm not trying to appear depressed.
Cause as surprising as it sounds for a girl at my age, I'd rather people discard me because I'm happy, than give me useless sympathetic attention because I'm depressed, or hurting.


That's why this doesn't really seem fair to me, in a way.
I guess.

Wow, I suck.

The last time I posted something was probably at least, 2, 3 weeks ago? Wow.
Well, for the record, I was gone for about a week, camping with Lindsey.
And other than that, I guess I've been a little caught up in my life. I've been writing a bit in my actual journal, but I'm bad at even keeping that going too.
Well, I guess it's no big deal, I really don't think anyone reads these anyways.
Besides, it's summer. If you're sitting there, actually reading this, on a night where you could be anywhere else but at home on the computer, then i congratulate you, and actually thank you for giving my thoughts the time of day. :)


Although, on another note, I guess nothing's really change. I've been disappointed in many of my friends' actions, but I'm working things out. I feel like I'm distancing again from my very best friends, which is not a good sign at all.

I'm soooooo glad it's summer, but I've realized that when pretty much everyone you know has a life, you get extremely lonely and wish summer was like it used to be (which is what I'm feeling right about now).

I need fun, excitement, amazement. Something, anything. I want this summer to mean something. If it doesn't, and I do nothing eventful, then it'll be the first in a long time, and I'm not ready for a sucky 6 weeks.

If it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna make summer '09 worth while.... I hope.