She layed her face against the cold concrete, and raised her eyes to meet his.
The lyrics to his favorite song, to her eternal bliss.
Misguided, misled, terrified of life, but never too scared to live.
Within his love, her hearts never alone, and within her love, neither is his.
Happy 2 months<3
3/15/11
3/13/11
dear God,
So, uhm, it's me again.
Well.. I don't really know how to put this lightly, and considering the harsher circumstances, and the crucial aspects that play into this I.. I guess i'll just come out and say it:
My dog is not ready to die yet.
She may have the weakening body any 11 year old schnauzer does, but I swear her heart and mind are bound to her prime puppy days. She's been my best friend, nay, my sister ever since I could remember holding her, caring for her since the first grade up until now.
As I lay here with her heavy painful breathing, and attempts at throwing up fibers in her poor tummy that probably aren't even existant, all I can think of is talking to you. Thinking you know the right answer, and that you know you won't take her out of my life until absolutely necessary (aka. Never).
What may seem a little strange is that there will never come a day when I don't want to come home to a smiling little furry face bouncing down the hall to embrace me. There'll never come a day when hearing her now annoying barking, or running into her constantly in the hallways due to her tendency to get in the way, is something I'd consider ever letting go.
Of all the pain, heartache, and misery you've tested me with through time in these 17 years, I'm standing here on my own two feet telling you that letting go of this powerful, reliable source of happiness in my life is not an option. You can take away friends, you can allow turmoil between my family and I, but the moment you take my babygirl away from me is the moment I know you may have just crossed a line. Because.. Well, she's my everything.
Okay. She's a dog. But who elses dog comes in and steals my things, and uses my bed while I'm away? Who elses dog will share food with me, and let me talk to her like casual conversation? Who elses dog could ever be loved any outstanding amount, as I love my Sheela?
You won't find a little heart this big, even if you search the world. I promise.
So.. As a favor, a blessing, and a genuine prayer, keep this jotted down on your notes for now, okay?
Because letting her go out of my life this easily isn't something I'm willing to do.
Thank you for listening,
Love, Desiree
Ps. Her breathing has slowed and she's sleeping now. Hopefully you're putting your work to action.
Oh, and.. Amen.
Well.. I don't really know how to put this lightly, and considering the harsher circumstances, and the crucial aspects that play into this I.. I guess i'll just come out and say it:
My dog is not ready to die yet.
She may have the weakening body any 11 year old schnauzer does, but I swear her heart and mind are bound to her prime puppy days. She's been my best friend, nay, my sister ever since I could remember holding her, caring for her since the first grade up until now.
As I lay here with her heavy painful breathing, and attempts at throwing up fibers in her poor tummy that probably aren't even existant, all I can think of is talking to you. Thinking you know the right answer, and that you know you won't take her out of my life until absolutely necessary (aka. Never).
What may seem a little strange is that there will never come a day when I don't want to come home to a smiling little furry face bouncing down the hall to embrace me. There'll never come a day when hearing her now annoying barking, or running into her constantly in the hallways due to her tendency to get in the way, is something I'd consider ever letting go.
Of all the pain, heartache, and misery you've tested me with through time in these 17 years, I'm standing here on my own two feet telling you that letting go of this powerful, reliable source of happiness in my life is not an option. You can take away friends, you can allow turmoil between my family and I, but the moment you take my babygirl away from me is the moment I know you may have just crossed a line. Because.. Well, she's my everything.
Okay. She's a dog. But who elses dog comes in and steals my things, and uses my bed while I'm away? Who elses dog will share food with me, and let me talk to her like casual conversation? Who elses dog could ever be loved any outstanding amount, as I love my Sheela?
You won't find a little heart this big, even if you search the world. I promise.
So.. As a favor, a blessing, and a genuine prayer, keep this jotted down on your notes for now, okay?
Because letting her go out of my life this easily isn't something I'm willing to do.
Thank you for listening,
Love, Desiree
Ps. Her breathing has slowed and she's sleeping now. Hopefully you're putting your work to action.
Oh, and.. Amen.
3/4/11
top 5 reasons why i dont really appreciate you.
1. I feel like I'm paying you to be my friend and to listen to me while I rant.
2. You're the reason my mother flipped about a thousand bitches this morning.
3. The facial expressions you give me when I'm being honest are starting to convince me to start lying to your face just so you think I'm happy.
4. You appear to be too busy to fit me in your schedule; which reitterates the fact that you're not here for ME, you're here for yourself.
5. You don't have the power to take all of the confusion, grief, pain, saddness, and regret I have in my life. No matter what you majored in in college.
2. You're the reason my mother flipped about a thousand bitches this morning.
3. The facial expressions you give me when I'm being honest are starting to convince me to start lying to your face just so you think I'm happy.
4. You appear to be too busy to fit me in your schedule; which reitterates the fact that you're not here for ME, you're here for yourself.
5. You don't have the power to take all of the confusion, grief, pain, saddness, and regret I have in my life. No matter what you majored in in college.
3/2/11
"you never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife."
"i just woke up one morning and i knew."
"knew what?"
"what i was never sure of with you."
the process goes as follows:
denial.
anger.
bargaining.
saddness.
acceptance.
resist it, as you please. try avoid it, as you might. fight it, as you will.
we all lead diverse paths, but at the end of the day, we're all out for the same thing, on the pursuit of not only happiness, but acceptance; love; life.
denial: ignorance is bliss, eh? the hardest thing about forcing yourself to forget, is knowing eventually you'll remember again. usually avoiding the issue (at least for me) poses as the greatest form of "temporary recovery". but knowing you're in denial usually means you know that eventually... it'll lead to the roller coaster of unnecessary grief and pain. brace yourself, because it's quite a ride. breathe. know that pain may be easy to hide under a shirt sleeve, or in the contents of an old notebook, but that as a human being, it's okay to force yourself into ignorance. living in a fantasy world where nothing can harm you seems nice; safe. but the fact of the matter is, life is going to continue cycling forward with or without you. and it's up to you whether or not you want to keep up.
anger: when in doubt, fight your way out. it seems so much easier to be angry than it is to be sad, or to make yourself forget, but in reality it's hard. for me, i'll never spite someone i considerably once loved, or something i've done that has made me smile. life without regret is life with ease; regardless of how fair or justified you feel. the greatest way to give someone a taste of their own rotten medicine, is to at least act as if you're unphased. be the stronger person, and if you're not, fake it. i've found that anger takes too much energy, and too much time. being probably one of the shortest phases of them all, anger is a sure-fire way of getting absolutely nowhere. but, as always, accept it. feeling upset? scream. wanna throw a fit? do it. feel like calling someone out on their faults and misconceptions? by all means. as long as you can wake up the next morning, calm, and can be content with the choices you've made the day before.
bargaining: when we were little, we told santa that since we've been good all year, we deserve the presents we want. now that we're 16, 17, 18 years old, there's no need to do good in order to receive rewards. the only good we get from quality deeds are the satisfaction found in the heart. when you lose something you can't replace, the only thing you even want to do is try bargain. bargain with God, bargain with your parents, bargain with yourself... by this time, you've come to the point of no return, and feeling pathetic is a blessing compared to other rotten emotions you may experience. probably 99% of the time, the pathetic bargains we make are what we regret the most later, and are what pose as the least successful tactic of them all. i'll never understand why i made myself so incredibly vulnerable at certain points in my life, but all i can truly blame it on is the idea that i was grieving; a natural, necessary process of which i learned my lesson, so i could live again.
saddness: smile, at least for one minute every single day. each week, add on a minute. before you know it, the smile will come naturally. depression not only weakens the heart, but it weakens the body, mind, soul. loss of appetite. insomnia, yet will to sleep an entire day away. i used to feel no need to move my lifeless body from the compounds of the couch, my body turned towards the dark corner for what i felt should have been forever. no will to eat, meant weight loss. no drive to move meant no way out of my racing mind. no motivation to live, mean't breathing, but hardly at that. time, being the most valuable variable through all of this, is the only cure. embrace the saddness; so after you forget the grief, displace your furiating emotions, attempt to bargain with yourself... allowing your heart to feel pain, and know the bitter sweet embrace of vulnerability is the quickest way to finding your way out.
acceptance: ahh, finally. though time doesn't play well in the favor of coming to a consentual acceptance of what is, what was, what isn't, and what never will be, you find it easier to comprehend and well worth it once you reach it. the heart-wrenching, stomach-cringing sickness grows weaker and weaker; the tears you profusely let fall in sake of another's mistakes find longer time differences as time progresses; when you learn to accept, you're learning to pick yourself back up again and LIVE. which is one of the most remarkable things anyone can ever do for themselves. as said before, you. are. loved. always have been, always will be. maybe not by someone you could have sworn you fell in love with, or even by someone who may never in their lifetime give you the time of day. but you learn, through acceptance, that those who choose not to engage in your life, weren't even meant to be there in the first place. fate is quite a tricky game to play. in the face of adversity, the best you can do is hold your head up high, and move forward. questioning the motives of others, and attempting to fully understand them as well as you know yourself is impossible. i wouldn't go to the extent of saying the only person you can trust is yourself, but what most people i know fail to do (that is ENTIRELY necessary) is put THEMSELVES first. you'll never be able to love someone else if you can't come to terms with loving yourself. acceptance isn't just about accepting the facts; it's about accepting the traits YOU have, accepting the things you're not, and being perfectly content with it. you've got nothing to prove to anyone but yourself, and when you realize that, it'll be easier to cushion the blow of grief, heartbreak, loss, and loneliness.
you may think this is all formulated maddness... and to be honest? i wouldn't blame you-- it all feels like a cliche disaster. but then i remind myself... this is coming from someone who lived it. breathed it. denied it, got angry over it, tried to bargain with it, became depressed over it, and.. even finally accepted it.
when you're denying the fact that you lost somebody in your life, someone else is too.
when you're taking your anger out by kicking your dog, or punching a wall in, someone else is feeling equally furious.
when you go as low as to beg for forgiveness for a mistake you didn't make, someone else is deciding upon the same thing.
when you fall into depression that seems everlasting, someone else is letting it consume them as well.
and when you finally get back on your feet and accept the verdict that is simply unshakable... someone else in the world is finally ready to do the same.
you're not alone. even when it feels like it's you vs. the world, there's always someone out there questioning their relation to the world as well.
i've found life's a bit easier to handle knowing your life is in the hands of fate, and that no matter what you do... in the end, everything will be okay. times are tough now? then that's clear, reliable proof that it's not the end quite yet.
if there's any advice i could lend to you, that you thorougly take in and hold onto, let it be this: every genuinely important thing in your life will test your ability and the lengths your body, heart, and mind will let you go; the things in life that are worth letting go are the ones that don't do so.
you once told me, "anything ever worth it isn't easy."
and that's the one thing i'll never forget, because it was so right.
"knew what?"
"what i was never sure of with you."
the process goes as follows:
denial.
anger.
bargaining.
saddness.
acceptance.
resist it, as you please. try avoid it, as you might. fight it, as you will.
we all lead diverse paths, but at the end of the day, we're all out for the same thing, on the pursuit of not only happiness, but acceptance; love; life.
denial: ignorance is bliss, eh? the hardest thing about forcing yourself to forget, is knowing eventually you'll remember again. usually avoiding the issue (at least for me) poses as the greatest form of "temporary recovery". but knowing you're in denial usually means you know that eventually... it'll lead to the roller coaster of unnecessary grief and pain. brace yourself, because it's quite a ride. breathe. know that pain may be easy to hide under a shirt sleeve, or in the contents of an old notebook, but that as a human being, it's okay to force yourself into ignorance. living in a fantasy world where nothing can harm you seems nice; safe. but the fact of the matter is, life is going to continue cycling forward with or without you. and it's up to you whether or not you want to keep up.
anger: when in doubt, fight your way out. it seems so much easier to be angry than it is to be sad, or to make yourself forget, but in reality it's hard. for me, i'll never spite someone i considerably once loved, or something i've done that has made me smile. life without regret is life with ease; regardless of how fair or justified you feel. the greatest way to give someone a taste of their own rotten medicine, is to at least act as if you're unphased. be the stronger person, and if you're not, fake it. i've found that anger takes too much energy, and too much time. being probably one of the shortest phases of them all, anger is a sure-fire way of getting absolutely nowhere. but, as always, accept it. feeling upset? scream. wanna throw a fit? do it. feel like calling someone out on their faults and misconceptions? by all means. as long as you can wake up the next morning, calm, and can be content with the choices you've made the day before.
bargaining: when we were little, we told santa that since we've been good all year, we deserve the presents we want. now that we're 16, 17, 18 years old, there's no need to do good in order to receive rewards. the only good we get from quality deeds are the satisfaction found in the heart. when you lose something you can't replace, the only thing you even want to do is try bargain. bargain with God, bargain with your parents, bargain with yourself... by this time, you've come to the point of no return, and feeling pathetic is a blessing compared to other rotten emotions you may experience. probably 99% of the time, the pathetic bargains we make are what we regret the most later, and are what pose as the least successful tactic of them all. i'll never understand why i made myself so incredibly vulnerable at certain points in my life, but all i can truly blame it on is the idea that i was grieving; a natural, necessary process of which i learned my lesson, so i could live again.
saddness: smile, at least for one minute every single day. each week, add on a minute. before you know it, the smile will come naturally. depression not only weakens the heart, but it weakens the body, mind, soul. loss of appetite. insomnia, yet will to sleep an entire day away. i used to feel no need to move my lifeless body from the compounds of the couch, my body turned towards the dark corner for what i felt should have been forever. no will to eat, meant weight loss. no drive to move meant no way out of my racing mind. no motivation to live, mean't breathing, but hardly at that. time, being the most valuable variable through all of this, is the only cure. embrace the saddness; so after you forget the grief, displace your furiating emotions, attempt to bargain with yourself... allowing your heart to feel pain, and know the bitter sweet embrace of vulnerability is the quickest way to finding your way out.
acceptance: ahh, finally. though time doesn't play well in the favor of coming to a consentual acceptance of what is, what was, what isn't, and what never will be, you find it easier to comprehend and well worth it once you reach it. the heart-wrenching, stomach-cringing sickness grows weaker and weaker; the tears you profusely let fall in sake of another's mistakes find longer time differences as time progresses; when you learn to accept, you're learning to pick yourself back up again and LIVE. which is one of the most remarkable things anyone can ever do for themselves. as said before, you. are. loved. always have been, always will be. maybe not by someone you could have sworn you fell in love with, or even by someone who may never in their lifetime give you the time of day. but you learn, through acceptance, that those who choose not to engage in your life, weren't even meant to be there in the first place. fate is quite a tricky game to play. in the face of adversity, the best you can do is hold your head up high, and move forward. questioning the motives of others, and attempting to fully understand them as well as you know yourself is impossible. i wouldn't go to the extent of saying the only person you can trust is yourself, but what most people i know fail to do (that is ENTIRELY necessary) is put THEMSELVES first. you'll never be able to love someone else if you can't come to terms with loving yourself. acceptance isn't just about accepting the facts; it's about accepting the traits YOU have, accepting the things you're not, and being perfectly content with it. you've got nothing to prove to anyone but yourself, and when you realize that, it'll be easier to cushion the blow of grief, heartbreak, loss, and loneliness.
you may think this is all formulated maddness... and to be honest? i wouldn't blame you-- it all feels like a cliche disaster. but then i remind myself... this is coming from someone who lived it. breathed it. denied it, got angry over it, tried to bargain with it, became depressed over it, and.. even finally accepted it.
when you're denying the fact that you lost somebody in your life, someone else is too.
when you're taking your anger out by kicking your dog, or punching a wall in, someone else is feeling equally furious.
when you go as low as to beg for forgiveness for a mistake you didn't make, someone else is deciding upon the same thing.
when you fall into depression that seems everlasting, someone else is letting it consume them as well.
and when you finally get back on your feet and accept the verdict that is simply unshakable... someone else in the world is finally ready to do the same.
you're not alone. even when it feels like it's you vs. the world, there's always someone out there questioning their relation to the world as well.
i've found life's a bit easier to handle knowing your life is in the hands of fate, and that no matter what you do... in the end, everything will be okay. times are tough now? then that's clear, reliable proof that it's not the end quite yet.
if there's any advice i could lend to you, that you thorougly take in and hold onto, let it be this: every genuinely important thing in your life will test your ability and the lengths your body, heart, and mind will let you go; the things in life that are worth letting go are the ones that don't do so.
you once told me, "anything ever worth it isn't easy."
and that's the one thing i'll never forget, because it was so right.
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