so.. i think i kinda sorta figured something out that seems to make a lot of sense in my mind.
as living, breathing, human beings... at the end of the day you could give us money and we'd find temporary happiness living out our cliche desires through material things. you could give us clothes, food, and a warm place to sleep at night and we'd find contentment in our survival. but, give us love? and that, my friends, is what keeps us living.
"all you need is love," is sure as hell right. for those of you who don't believe in love, then refer to that comforting, faithful feeling you get around people you trust and can't picture your life without.
unfortunately, though, love is a tricky tricky thing. i've found that the main source of all failures in relationships (a specific form of love), is simply due to the fact that we're so concerned with the little things. they consume our thoughts, our doubts, and our actions.
and the fact of the matter is... we're always afraid of loving too much. we want the other person to love us more, so that in face of adversity, we prevent ourselves from pain caused by caring too stinkin' much. but if both feel that way, how does it work out? well, uhm, it doesn't.
simply because if she loves you more, then you feel safe, yet eventually empowered, and you feel like you've got control of the relationship, because you know her heart only rests with you, regardless of how many girls your heart rests with. however, if he loves you more, it's cute and comfortable for a while, until it smothers you and you lose the love you once had.
so, moral of the story, kids? nobody wins.
that whole "everything's fair in love and war" phrase has got to be the biggest load of satirical crap i've ever heard. because absolutely nothing about love (or war in this case) is in the least bit justifiable OR fair.
and if it turns out you love them more? well, you're screwed. which is usually the case.
you wanna talk to them, because they brighten your day, yet they've got about a thousand things on their plate and their mind that come far before you, sweetheart.
you wanna see them, even just for 5 minutes because you know that'd make everything right, but it just so happens their broken, empty promises are the only consistent thing about them.
you fight, viciously, about something so stupid because deep down you're only mad because of the distorted bigger picture, and you're bitter about feeling so.. STUPID. and you hope that no matter what you say, they'll love you or care about you enough to use that as an opportunity to turn it all around for the better..... but they don't. because, regardless of what you thought or how they used to be, at this point in time, keeping you and losing you are one in the same.
....you know, i didn't deserve that right?
i deserve someone who doesn't hide behind his excuse of, "life getting in the way," and "me having to deal with it."
i don't deserve the ditching, or the waiting by the phone to see if maybe this time you could squeeze me in your perfect lifestyle for a measly 5 minutes. blaming your lack of consideration on your priorities would have been the perfect, most understandable excuse... if you hadn't treated me so well less than a month ago under the same circumstances.
you know, it's really really funny how about 96% of the people in our lives who so strongly protest against certain attributes of another, such as their heartlessness, selfishness, cockiness, and all around stupidity, tend to grow those attributes in time, like its nothing.
now i know why some people just give up on love, and choose not to believe in it. it's kinda like santa claus, ya know? yeah, when you're little it's your fantasies of the possibilities of it all that give it life, and make it so magical. but then when the kids at school throw around the fact that santa isn't real, you doubt yourself, and question everything. and once your mom tells you he's not real, never has been, and never will be... well, that loss you feel isn't because you wish a fat man with a bag slid through your chimney every december, but... because now that you know that he never did and never will, you couldn't save the magic even if you tried.
believing in love is about believing in its power, and its "magic."
but when you're filled with so much doubt from sucky relationships (ie. kids at school and your mother), you learn to doubt just about everything... to feel almost nothing... and to actually accept a sick thought like that.
it's just not right. because honestly? i love love. or at least i did. that was before i knew that so many boys could seem so different from the last, until they get up and leave for the same damn selfish reasons. and me, being one of the examples of the side that tends to care/love MORE, i'm sure that's flippin' fantastic for the boys who enjoy taking what they can get before flaking out. but it's not good when all i try keep in my mind are happy, optimistic thoughts of a better tomorrow and potentially finding someone who's got their head on straight, and getting proven wrong every. single. time.
funny thing is, is that i still hold on to the fact that one day, i'm gonna find a boy brave enough to love me more than i'll love him, which will still be more than i can imagine... and because he's brave enough to do that, i'd give him and that relationship everything i could. but silly, make-believe stuff like that isn't real. unless, that is, something or someone out there can prove it.
you know, ironically, we wrack our brains trying to make sure we're loved more than we love, when that's exactly what tears us apart. ironically, we fight until no ends, in hopes that it sparks something that was never there to begin with in pursuit of peace. ironically, we'd go our entire lives, to the very grave, swearing we'd never be susceptible to something that'll help us to know what it feels like to actually just.. live for once.
12/30/10
12/21/10
12/20/10
aaaahg.
1. your entire life and everything about it does not belong on the internet; i'm begging you to at least leave some mystery in your life, and to just let her go. you're both better off on separate paths. i sympathize for you with your issues and broken heart, but i fear for you because some things you say genuinely scare me ):
2. i feel like i understand you more than any of your friends, but even at that, i don't understand a thing about you. you're full of mystery, and i feel like that's why i'm still around, just so i can figure it out. you make me feel like a little kid sometimes! we're so close, yet not nearly as close as we used to be; so in sync, yet so incredibly lost at the same time. hope to keep you near this christmas season.
3. SHUT. UP.
4. you've matured so much, and have turned more and more into the person we both know you could be (which i hope you're doing for yourself). i'm glad to know i contributed to the amazing person you are today, and maybe one day, it'll play out for us for the better. thank you for always being here for me, and dealing with me whether i was on top of the world, or in the most vicious moods of all. you're my rock, and i always find my way home to you.
5. i'm going to have best friend withdrawal when you're miles away ): aaaaaaahhhhh
6. you SMOTHER me.
7. i know i deserve better than to let someone like you to even be apart of my life, but i see hope in you.
8. though i haven't been able to make much time for you, i want you to know you mean SOOO much to me, and i feel like a mother bear and you're my cub, because i always want to protect you and be there for you! i promise you and i will spend some time this break talking things out and catching up because i love you long time<3
9. he's right, you're crazy! soooo crazy! i don't understand how you even MANAGED to get a boy as good as him for so long, but i'm so glad you're not suffocating him any longer. you have probably one of the worst judgments of character of anyone i've ever met in my entire life, which makes sense, because you don't have any friends. at the end of the day, i hope you're proud of the girl you are, because whoever the hell she is is the only thing you'll have left at the rate you're going. oh, and by the way? someone should buy you a dictionary for christmas. or a guide to proper usage of punctuation. cause damn girl, your speech is reDONKulous. have a good life i guess?
10. you make me feel like a little girl again, with these stupid butterflies and silly silent awkward moments where i don't know what to do but smile and blush too much. the rush of mystery in what tomorrow will bring is what's keeping me holding on. who knows what this could become?
11. i wish i knew who you were these days, because sweetheart, i have NO idea. of all of the people i know who fall aimlessly in the deep depths of peer pressure, you'd win the gold medal. i hope once all of these stupid 'finding who you are' shananigans come to an end, you'll realize we all knew who you were months ago, before your utter downfall. and of course, regardless of how much you deserve it, we'll be here at the end of the day to catch you.
12. i love you like A LOTTT and i think your "girlfriend" (for a lack of a better word) is absolutely awesome! which is great cause you're awesome too so you match! thanks for being here for me, because i really need someone like you in my life all the time. i'm always here for you, from late night deep conversation to hanging out and doing stupid, stupid things for the hell of it.
13. i really really enjoyed getting lied to my face, especially when i least expected it. you know, it probably would have hurt less if you just told me straight up i wasn't good enough for you and your enormous ego.
14. you're beautiful, and i could only wish that you and i would someday end up the best of friends.
15. stop playing your stupid games with me pleaseee, it hurts my feelings :(
16. you once told me, "anything ever worth it isn't easy." and you know, considering the past year we spent working so hard for something we thought was worth it at the time, it really should not have played itself out the way it did. i still think friendships in our cards, but if you'd like to continue to fix yourself on the idea that i did you so wrong, then maybe not. at least i can say i tried.
17. for being one of the greatest, funniest, most random girls to ever walk the face of the planet, i hope you know you deserve SO much better than what you've been given. it's not often that i come across pretty girls with pretty hearts to match, because pretty hearts get smashed into pieces and made all gross and ugly by rotten boys with pretty faces. don't let those stupid boys ruin yours! you're stronger than every last one of them, and can overcome anything and everything<3
18. you make me buffalo chicken dip, sit with me to make fuzzy blankets, sing with me in the car, and dance with me about 90% of the time regardless of if there's music or not. thanks for being the best friend i've always needed when times get rough<3 you're perfect. and i know you can make it through anything, because you're stronger than anyone i've ever met. thanks for everything sunshine :)
19. i listen to that song, and think of you. it makes me smile, but it makes me cry. not because it reminds me of dark times when i was alone, but of the good times. the old times.
20. if you didn't enjoy using me for various little things, we might actually have been really really good friends. oh well.
21. when we were in junior high, i stuck pencils through your afro. now in high school, i still stick pencils through your smaller afro.... but i guess we're best friends now, so that's what makes all the difference. hahahahahaha i love you<3
22. one day, i'll understand why you were thrown into my life at the exact time you were. until then, i wont take for granted your presence for one single minute.
more & more to come.
2. i feel like i understand you more than any of your friends, but even at that, i don't understand a thing about you. you're full of mystery, and i feel like that's why i'm still around, just so i can figure it out. you make me feel like a little kid sometimes! we're so close, yet not nearly as close as we used to be; so in sync, yet so incredibly lost at the same time. hope to keep you near this christmas season.
3. SHUT. UP.
4. you've matured so much, and have turned more and more into the person we both know you could be (which i hope you're doing for yourself). i'm glad to know i contributed to the amazing person you are today, and maybe one day, it'll play out for us for the better. thank you for always being here for me, and dealing with me whether i was on top of the world, or in the most vicious moods of all. you're my rock, and i always find my way home to you.
5. i'm going to have best friend withdrawal when you're miles away ): aaaaaaahhhhh
6. you SMOTHER me.
7. i know i deserve better than to let someone like you to even be apart of my life, but i see hope in you.
8. though i haven't been able to make much time for you, i want you to know you mean SOOO much to me, and i feel like a mother bear and you're my cub, because i always want to protect you and be there for you! i promise you and i will spend some time this break talking things out and catching up because i love you long time<3
9. he's right, you're crazy! soooo crazy! i don't understand how you even MANAGED to get a boy as good as him for so long, but i'm so glad you're not suffocating him any longer. you have probably one of the worst judgments of character of anyone i've ever met in my entire life, which makes sense, because you don't have any friends. at the end of the day, i hope you're proud of the girl you are, because whoever the hell she is is the only thing you'll have left at the rate you're going. oh, and by the way? someone should buy you a dictionary for christmas. or a guide to proper usage of punctuation. cause damn girl, your speech is reDONKulous. have a good life i guess?
10. you make me feel like a little girl again, with these stupid butterflies and silly silent awkward moments where i don't know what to do but smile and blush too much. the rush of mystery in what tomorrow will bring is what's keeping me holding on. who knows what this could become?
11. i wish i knew who you were these days, because sweetheart, i have NO idea. of all of the people i know who fall aimlessly in the deep depths of peer pressure, you'd win the gold medal. i hope once all of these stupid 'finding who you are' shananigans come to an end, you'll realize we all knew who you were months ago, before your utter downfall. and of course, regardless of how much you deserve it, we'll be here at the end of the day to catch you.
12. i love you like A LOTTT and i think your "girlfriend" (for a lack of a better word) is absolutely awesome! which is great cause you're awesome too so you match! thanks for being here for me, because i really need someone like you in my life all the time. i'm always here for you, from late night deep conversation to hanging out and doing stupid, stupid things for the hell of it.
13. i really really enjoyed getting lied to my face, especially when i least expected it. you know, it probably would have hurt less if you just told me straight up i wasn't good enough for you and your enormous ego.
14. you're beautiful, and i could only wish that you and i would someday end up the best of friends.
15. stop playing your stupid games with me pleaseee, it hurts my feelings :(
16. you once told me, "anything ever worth it isn't easy." and you know, considering the past year we spent working so hard for something we thought was worth it at the time, it really should not have played itself out the way it did. i still think friendships in our cards, but if you'd like to continue to fix yourself on the idea that i did you so wrong, then maybe not. at least i can say i tried.
17. for being one of the greatest, funniest, most random girls to ever walk the face of the planet, i hope you know you deserve SO much better than what you've been given. it's not often that i come across pretty girls with pretty hearts to match, because pretty hearts get smashed into pieces and made all gross and ugly by rotten boys with pretty faces. don't let those stupid boys ruin yours! you're stronger than every last one of them, and can overcome anything and everything<3
18. you make me buffalo chicken dip, sit with me to make fuzzy blankets, sing with me in the car, and dance with me about 90% of the time regardless of if there's music or not. thanks for being the best friend i've always needed when times get rough<3 you're perfect. and i know you can make it through anything, because you're stronger than anyone i've ever met. thanks for everything sunshine :)
19. i listen to that song, and think of you. it makes me smile, but it makes me cry. not because it reminds me of dark times when i was alone, but of the good times. the old times.
20. if you didn't enjoy using me for various little things, we might actually have been really really good friends. oh well.
21. when we were in junior high, i stuck pencils through your afro. now in high school, i still stick pencils through your smaller afro.... but i guess we're best friends now, so that's what makes all the difference. hahahahahaha i love you<3
22. one day, i'll understand why you were thrown into my life at the exact time you were. until then, i wont take for granted your presence for one single minute.
more & more to come.
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