enjoy.
(:
sickness unto death (cover) by desireevarsha
7/31/11
7/25/11
there's like a bajillion million kazillion people on this earth right nowwww!
but sometimes... all you're really needin' is one.
ugh.
not a damn day goes by that i don't cross something that brings back HELLA old memories of you.
i don't know why it's all of a sudden?
but..
i'm sorry i ever took any of those sweet words and emotions for granted.
i wish i knew what made me such a vicious, vile person.
i wish i could find some peace of mind.
i wish my sorry could make a difference now.
though.. it can't. and, it wont.
yet accepting that is one of the most challenging things i've ever had to do.
as long as hell is still burning, i will want you back.
i don't know why it's all of a sudden?
but..
i'm sorry i ever took any of those sweet words and emotions for granted.
i wish i knew what made me such a vicious, vile person.
i wish i could find some peace of mind.
i wish my sorry could make a difference now.
though.. it can't. and, it wont.
yet accepting that is one of the most challenging things i've ever had to do.
as long as hell is still burning, i will want you back.
7/16/11
I used to feel sympathy towards you, but now I just feel bad for you.
get over it, and grow up already, sweetheart. nobody cares<3
7/14/11
break ups are bogus.
am i right? :)
AND BY ALL MEANS DUE TO RECENT RESPONSES TO THIS POST, THIS IS IN NO WAY A DISRESPECTFUL SLUR AGAINST ANYONE, IT IS SIMPLY MY OPINION ON THIS SUBJECT.
(so i guess... viewer disgression is advised or somethin?)
we put so much effort and time and compassion into something that we pretend is sure-fire, regardless of how many times we've had literal, physical PROOF that it's not. and in reality we're all well aware that it's more unstable than absolutely EVERY other relationship in our life.
like... really?
first off: we're 17. 'nuff said...
second off: what happened to our AWESOME friends who have been here for us since uh,... i dunno, forever? why don't they deserve our effort, time, and compassion at times like this?
i almost feel like if you care about someone else THAT much, truly, (as in, if you care about them more than you are, say, attracted to them) then you'd be doing your friendship a favor by keeping it just the way it is, maybe even making it a stronger FRIENDship. but we know nobody's got the patience, attention-span, or hormones to do THAT these days...
but, then again, if all you see in them is the attraction first, THEN maybe potentially the friendship?
well, then you should have kind of seen this break up coming sooner or later. no offense. (i say this, because i've been there before--i understand it--so i mentally prepare myself.)
yeah, i know all of you reading this should, coincidentally, know that i've recently been broken up with. i'm not gonna just sit here and hide behind my words or my truths. yes indeed, in light of us parting our ways (well, actually him kind of just dumping me) i have indeed come across these thoughts that have carried me through previous break ups, my current one, and surely more in the future. all i can hope is that it helps you as well.
when it comes down to it, and you set aside the nitty gritty detail,
most would say there's only three reasons people generally break up:
1. you begin to grow annoyed, concerned, betrayed, confused, cornered, and/or lack of emotion towards the so called "love of your life." (irony...) therefore YOU break it off with THEM.
2. the "love of your life" begins to grow annoyed, concerned, betrayed, confused, cornered, and/or lack of emotion towards you, therefore THEY break it off with YOU.
3. you both begin to grow apart, and mutually understand that the constraints of your relationship are far too limited, and thus, you must equally agree to part ways with "no hard feelings."
but in reality, there's only one:
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, BRO.
i dunno, maybe he cheated on you or something, or you started having feelings for some other dude--i really have no idea of the details of every one of my friends' relationships, NOR do i even really care, as it's all the same freakin' thing. (clarification: i don't really care about the details, not to be mistaken with how much i DO care when my dearest friends' hearts ache.)
find it weird that i'm overgeneralizing this? to be brutally honest... i don't believe i am. i've dated my handful, and seen my friends and peers date three times that amount, and whaddyaknow? this hits it spot on, like, every time.
whichever way the cookie crumbles for me, or my friends, by the end of a relationship, the two parties involved snap into this weird act--as if it's code or something-- and go on a rampage where they either smother their ex, ignore them completely, play sick twisted mind games with them, or secretly mourn their loss in stalker-like fashions (primarily via facebook).
or, well,
i guess 50% of every relationship coming to an end is basically someone not giving two shits about the other.
so, uh, that could happen too.
for me, sadly enough, the first things that piss me off about break up are the teeny little things.
for instance,
we were supposed to go to harry potter together tonight (you know, it's not like i switched my ticket 3 harkins managers and a quarter tank of gas later, but it's okay.)
but i think the thing that upsets me EVEN MORE than the break up itself?
THE BITCHES WHO THINK THEY GOT THEIR SHIT ON LOCK FLIRTING UP A STORM WITH YOUR BOY (OR GIRL) IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS. (please, dearly excuse my language)
yeah, you know who you are (in fact, i hope those lovely ladies out there are reading this now and realizing). there are girls out there (and guys, i'm sure--i'm just speaking personally) who feed off of moments like this. I'M SERIOUS.
i'm no idiot. i saw you textin' your way onto his nuts when we were together, and i continue to see you raping his facebook mere seconds after the "changed relationship status" appears on his page. (to me, really any of the drama contracted from the forming or destruction of a relationship on facebook is BOGUS BEYOND BELIEF. just sayin')
foreals, i'm sure that me even caring about this makes me overdramatic or ridiculous... but you even doing it just makes you trashy. and the difference is, i can grow out of that annoyed feeling, move on, and get over it soon enough, but.. hah, you'll always kinda just be trashy. especially in my eyes, even if you've moved on to playing 10 more guys.
the coolest thing is, that it's never just one girl either. nopenopenope. boats and hoes, those girls keep lining up like there's no tomorrow. and it's not the idea that you think they're more fitting for him than you--keep in mind, he DID pick you in the first place when he probably had a multitude of options--but the fact that those girls (or guys!) have the audacity to step foot on what once was, y'know, "your territory." sometimes they're even your friends too! it's just blatant disrespect, and i have nooo tolerance for stuff like that.
oh, and btdubbs, about 90% of the time, i've observed, when a guy tells you, "no, you're crazy! she's not in love with me. we're just friends." or "i could never see her like that, she's like a sister to me!" they're either lying, downplaying it, or just plain stupid.
don't act like this understanding has never applied to you before, either. if "the other girl(s)" or "the other boy(s)" hasn't once bothered you when it comes to your significant other, AT ALL, then you probably need to get your priorities straight or you could potentially be looking into even more destructive, disloyal relationships in the future.
these days, it's gutless to end a relationship, whether of 3 weeks or 3 years, over the phone and ESPECIALLY over text. we all know that!
it doesn't matter if you couldn't care less about them; NOBODY deserves that kind of disrespect, EVER.
but what some people don't realize is how gutless it is as well, for them to distance themselves and ignore you and, well, basically treat you like the bottom-of-the-barrell priority when they're still reluctantly calling you theirs. it basically says, "yeah, well.. you're not that important anyway," and painfully holds you off until they make time in their suddenly oh so busy schedule to come over and drop you like a bad habit. that is actually EQUALLY gutless to me, personally, and has happened on multiple multiple occasions.
if it is such an issue for you to at least pretend like you care in ignoring someone you potentially want to break up with, it doesn't make you a knight in shining armor, OR any more of a gentleman for breaking up with them in person after that, sorry. it's really just you showcasing your ability to downplay your lack of respect and emotion towards the other person, regardless of your reasoning for cutting things off in the first place (it tends to all sound the same after a while).
and... eh, i guess i can understand and agree, there's the 2.4% of the entire human race who could possibly kind of still be friends after the wreckage, and have a fairly clean break up...
but hey, those kids either probably still like each other, or probably have enough minuscule weird/awkward problems of their own, personally and with one another.
but if there's one trend i can almost assure you, every time, it would be this:
good (or potentially wonderful) boyfriends make horrible (needy OR tool) ex-boyfriends, and even MORE horrible (inconsiderate and selfish) friends; as goes for girls too, i suppose.
i know, trust me, i know: all you genuinely want to do is give them your hand in friendship, or vice versa.
but guys, i.. i gotta break it to you; it just. doesn't. work.
even IF you could scrounge up potential friendship, or a solid conversation every few days, yes even at that, it's not the same friendship as before, EVER (if there were any prior to dating), nor is it even comfortable for that matter. you soon realize it's a lost cause, and you're not gonna be caught dead showing any more effort than they do (which they hardly ever do when they're the ones to end it).
i, for one, am not gonna keep making any form of effort if i receive haphazard or pity effort in return. i don't stick around and waste my time when i know or realize i'm not wanted. ever.
as for those of you who are still currently in a relationship, i'm gonna start off by saying:
good for you.
i have loads and loads of respect for couples out there who, regardless of the everyday relationship drama, can stay loyal and maintain a relatively mature relationship.
(note: to, uhm, no one in particular... when she tells you that seeing you less constitutes your relationship as "mature"?... hahahah that's complete bull. she's got you on her leash so tightly, now doesn't she?)
i'm also going to tell you that this blog may represent a majority here, but it's not the only. clearly, if relationships were all built to crumble, none of us would understand the meaning or feeling of marriage, long-term and serious relationships, or even, y'know, love. (love being something i don't really believe in anymore actually, hahaha, but that's another story i'll save for another time).
from the same lips that told me, "you're the girl of my dreams."
came the words, "well.. this is awkward. i'm gonna go."
but thus far, it's because i've yet to find the perfect fit for myself, personally.
but hey, i forgive, nbd.
the way i see it is... i've lived happily before certain people have come and gone in my life, and i can continue to do so. especially with what wonderful friends i've got, permanently.
AND BY ALL MEANS DUE TO RECENT RESPONSES TO THIS POST, THIS IS IN NO WAY A DISRESPECTFUL SLUR AGAINST ANYONE, IT IS SIMPLY MY OPINION ON THIS SUBJECT.
(so i guess... viewer disgression is advised or somethin?)
we put so much effort and time and compassion into something that we pretend is sure-fire, regardless of how many times we've had literal, physical PROOF that it's not. and in reality we're all well aware that it's more unstable than absolutely EVERY other relationship in our life.
like... really?
first off: we're 17. 'nuff said...
second off: what happened to our AWESOME friends who have been here for us since uh,... i dunno, forever? why don't they deserve our effort, time, and compassion at times like this?
i almost feel like if you care about someone else THAT much, truly, (as in, if you care about them more than you are, say, attracted to them) then you'd be doing your friendship a favor by keeping it just the way it is, maybe even making it a stronger FRIENDship. but we know nobody's got the patience, attention-span, or hormones to do THAT these days...
but, then again, if all you see in them is the attraction first, THEN maybe potentially the friendship?
well, then you should have kind of seen this break up coming sooner or later. no offense. (i say this, because i've been there before--i understand it--so i mentally prepare myself.)
yeah, i know all of you reading this should, coincidentally, know that i've recently been broken up with. i'm not gonna just sit here and hide behind my words or my truths. yes indeed, in light of us parting our ways (well, actually him kind of just dumping me) i have indeed come across these thoughts that have carried me through previous break ups, my current one, and surely more in the future. all i can hope is that it helps you as well.
when it comes down to it, and you set aside the nitty gritty detail,
most would say there's only three reasons people generally break up:
1. you begin to grow annoyed, concerned, betrayed, confused, cornered, and/or lack of emotion towards the so called "love of your life." (irony...) therefore YOU break it off with THEM.
2. the "love of your life" begins to grow annoyed, concerned, betrayed, confused, cornered, and/or lack of emotion towards you, therefore THEY break it off with YOU.
3. you both begin to grow apart, and mutually understand that the constraints of your relationship are far too limited, and thus, you must equally agree to part ways with "no hard feelings."
but in reality, there's only one:
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, BRO.
i dunno, maybe he cheated on you or something, or you started having feelings for some other dude--i really have no idea of the details of every one of my friends' relationships, NOR do i even really care, as it's all the same freakin' thing. (clarification: i don't really care about the details, not to be mistaken with how much i DO care when my dearest friends' hearts ache.)
find it weird that i'm overgeneralizing this? to be brutally honest... i don't believe i am. i've dated my handful, and seen my friends and peers date three times that amount, and whaddyaknow? this hits it spot on, like, every time.
whichever way the cookie crumbles for me, or my friends, by the end of a relationship, the two parties involved snap into this weird act--as if it's code or something-- and go on a rampage where they either smother their ex, ignore them completely, play sick twisted mind games with them, or secretly mourn their loss in stalker-like fashions (primarily via facebook).
or, well,
i guess 50% of every relationship coming to an end is basically someone not giving two shits about the other.
so, uh, that could happen too.
for me, sadly enough, the first things that piss me off about break up are the teeny little things.
for instance,
we were supposed to go to harry potter together tonight (you know, it's not like i switched my ticket 3 harkins managers and a quarter tank of gas later, but it's okay.)
but i think the thing that upsets me EVEN MORE than the break up itself?
THE BITCHES WHO THINK THEY GOT THEIR SHIT ON LOCK FLIRTING UP A STORM WITH YOUR BOY (OR GIRL) IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS. (please, dearly excuse my language)
yeah, you know who you are (in fact, i hope those lovely ladies out there are reading this now and realizing). there are girls out there (and guys, i'm sure--i'm just speaking personally) who feed off of moments like this. I'M SERIOUS.
i'm no idiot. i saw you textin' your way onto his nuts when we were together, and i continue to see you raping his facebook mere seconds after the "changed relationship status" appears on his page. (to me, really any of the drama contracted from the forming or destruction of a relationship on facebook is BOGUS BEYOND BELIEF. just sayin')
foreals, i'm sure that me even caring about this makes me overdramatic or ridiculous... but you even doing it just makes you trashy. and the difference is, i can grow out of that annoyed feeling, move on, and get over it soon enough, but.. hah, you'll always kinda just be trashy. especially in my eyes, even if you've moved on to playing 10 more guys.
the coolest thing is, that it's never just one girl either. nopenopenope. boats and hoes, those girls keep lining up like there's no tomorrow. and it's not the idea that you think they're more fitting for him than you--keep in mind, he DID pick you in the first place when he probably had a multitude of options--but the fact that those girls (or guys!) have the audacity to step foot on what once was, y'know, "your territory." sometimes they're even your friends too! it's just blatant disrespect, and i have nooo tolerance for stuff like that.
oh, and btdubbs, about 90% of the time, i've observed, when a guy tells you, "no, you're crazy! she's not in love with me. we're just friends." or "i could never see her like that, she's like a sister to me!" they're either lying, downplaying it, or just plain stupid.
don't act like this understanding has never applied to you before, either. if "the other girl(s)" or "the other boy(s)" hasn't once bothered you when it comes to your significant other, AT ALL, then you probably need to get your priorities straight or you could potentially be looking into even more destructive, disloyal relationships in the future.
these days, it's gutless to end a relationship, whether of 3 weeks or 3 years, over the phone and ESPECIALLY over text. we all know that!
it doesn't matter if you couldn't care less about them; NOBODY deserves that kind of disrespect, EVER.
but what some people don't realize is how gutless it is as well, for them to distance themselves and ignore you and, well, basically treat you like the bottom-of-the-barrell priority when they're still reluctantly calling you theirs. it basically says, "yeah, well.. you're not that important anyway," and painfully holds you off until they make time in their suddenly oh so busy schedule to come over and drop you like a bad habit. that is actually EQUALLY gutless to me, personally, and has happened on multiple multiple occasions.
if it is such an issue for you to at least pretend like you care in ignoring someone you potentially want to break up with, it doesn't make you a knight in shining armor, OR any more of a gentleman for breaking up with them in person after that, sorry. it's really just you showcasing your ability to downplay your lack of respect and emotion towards the other person, regardless of your reasoning for cutting things off in the first place (it tends to all sound the same after a while).
and... eh, i guess i can understand and agree, there's the 2.4% of the entire human race who could possibly kind of still be friends after the wreckage, and have a fairly clean break up...
but hey, those kids either probably still like each other, or probably have enough minuscule weird/awkward problems of their own, personally and with one another.
but if there's one trend i can almost assure you, every time, it would be this:
good (or potentially wonderful) boyfriends make horrible (needy OR tool) ex-boyfriends, and even MORE horrible (inconsiderate and selfish) friends; as goes for girls too, i suppose.
i know, trust me, i know: all you genuinely want to do is give them your hand in friendship, or vice versa.
but guys, i.. i gotta break it to you; it just. doesn't. work.
even IF you could scrounge up potential friendship, or a solid conversation every few days, yes even at that, it's not the same friendship as before, EVER (if there were any prior to dating), nor is it even comfortable for that matter. you soon realize it's a lost cause, and you're not gonna be caught dead showing any more effort than they do (which they hardly ever do when they're the ones to end it).
i, for one, am not gonna keep making any form of effort if i receive haphazard or pity effort in return. i don't stick around and waste my time when i know or realize i'm not wanted. ever.
as for those of you who are still currently in a relationship, i'm gonna start off by saying:
good for you.
i have loads and loads of respect for couples out there who, regardless of the everyday relationship drama, can stay loyal and maintain a relatively mature relationship.
(note: to, uhm, no one in particular... when she tells you that seeing you less constitutes your relationship as "mature"?... hahahah that's complete bull. she's got you on her leash so tightly, now doesn't she?)
i'm also going to tell you that this blog may represent a majority here, but it's not the only. clearly, if relationships were all built to crumble, none of us would understand the meaning or feeling of marriage, long-term and serious relationships, or even, y'know, love. (love being something i don't really believe in anymore actually, hahaha, but that's another story i'll save for another time).
from the same lips that told me, "you're the girl of my dreams."
came the words, "well.. this is awkward. i'm gonna go."
but thus far, it's because i've yet to find the perfect fit for myself, personally.
but hey, i forgive, nbd.
the way i see it is... i've lived happily before certain people have come and gone in my life, and i can continue to do so. especially with what wonderful friends i've got, permanently.
7/9/11
7/5/11
sickness unto death.
in light of today, and in light of this moment,
i just feel like words aren't enough anymore. i've gone through this blog post a thousand times over making it sound coherent and meaningful and everything i want it to be, but i don't think i'm able. my words could never serve as much of a purpose as these feelings, and these emotions. (well, as if mere words have ever been real competition to feeling, i suppose.)
call me one of those stupid, weird, attention-grabbing babies who lets the passing of someone they hardly knew artificially keep them up at night, but i'm slowly figuring out myself why something like this could mean.. well, anything to me. i didn't know you; i knew of you, with only the kindest and sincerest of interpretations, but no. i never knew you.
i remember, when i was little, people used to tell me all the time to, uh, "believe the unbelievable" or "expect the unexpected." but what i never truly expected or believed would come out of those commercialized phrases would be something so.. horrific, and morbid. i thought it stood as motivation to believe in my distant dreams, and expect wonderful things to happen in my darkest hours. not.. not to believe in agonizing death, and expect beautiful people to give in to it.
i bet at times like this you may be thinking something like, "how could things ever even get that bad?"
maybe there are times you think that way 'cause you don't know what else to think. sometimes, it replaces your belief that certain things are even... real.
in reality,
someone lost their baby/older sister.
someone lost their good/best friend.
someone lost their girlfriend, their loved one.
and one of the worst pains, in my opinion that nobody on this entire earth deserves...
someone lost, and outlived their own child.
that sickening feeling doesn't just disappear. ever. death does that to you.
it took years to mourn the passing of my grandfather. and now, it's revealed itself once again to me, merely hearing of a young girl taking her life. similar feelings briefly touch the shore of my memory, and slowly ease back and forth, over and over, and if i could put it into words, into simple, lifeless words, gut-wrenching wouldn't even come close to describing it.
what literally shatters my heart to pieces is the sheer fact that she's missing out on some of the biggest experiences of her lifetime.
tell me how fair it is that someone so loved and so fragile can never walk down the aisles of a crowd to graduate from high school, college, or to walk down the aisles of a crowd to take someone's hand in marriage, or to walk down the aisles of a crowd to even find her seat on an airplane, to potentially see the world, or to...
ever physically grace any aisle or place with her beautifully haunting presence ever again.
there's uh, this one quote she put on her facebook that i couldn't help but wonder about.
"nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
the hardest part of reading stuff like this, about anyone who ever thinks they're unworthy of life for any reason, is the fact that she could ever even have the capacity to imagine her ending being so empty.
i guess maybe this hideous void i've obtained and this seemingly unnecessary sadness has conquered me, because, in a way, her and i relate.
just because you're loved, no matter how hard you want love, and want to feed off of love, and literally cannot live without love... that doesn't mean you'll ever really feel love.
indeed, she was loved... is loved. by so many, it's obvious even just by news feeds and wall posts. lots of people say stuff like...
"i didn't know her but she was so beautiful." or "she seemed so happy." or "she will always be in our hearts."
some even say, "because of this, i won't ever consider suicide again." and in spite of pain, what we've got to remember is that we all take stuff like this differently. suppression, depression, aggression, and even disconnection. i've been down in the dumps for a variety of reasons, and i know anyone reading this has too. i have yet to release my suppressed anger, sadness, and confusion in a truly reasonable manner... but yes, because of her, i can rest easy knowing this life is and always will be worth living to me; that every breath is worth taking, no matter how much pain that can and will come with it.
it all happens for a reason--everything in this life--believable or not; expected or unexpected.
and in light of today, and in light of this moment, this moment that i can never once get again, nor would i want to, for i have so many more to live and cherish, with this ever-present feeling of not only LIFE, but LIVING,
i wont be scared. and neither should you.
for any lost souls out there, read this over again (or for the very first time):
http://desireevarsha.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-are-loved.html
because no other words could ever be more true or more timeless.
if you've ever once wondered who would mourn the ending of your very own life, i can promise you there will always be someone. always.
"life is for the living, i've heard tell that it is why we are young. in the morning sun, you take every year as it comes. but when your life is over, all those years fold up like an accordion; they collapse just like a broken lung."
it could have been any of us. because at the end of the day, what we all have in common with her is that we're all loved, and we all deserve to live, regardless of the choices that we make, or that life potentially makes for us.
rest in peace, beautiful soul. you weren't scared. i didn't know you, but i bet if i did, i would have never once regretted it.
eternity will forever smile on you.
i just feel like words aren't enough anymore. i've gone through this blog post a thousand times over making it sound coherent and meaningful and everything i want it to be, but i don't think i'm able. my words could never serve as much of a purpose as these feelings, and these emotions. (well, as if mere words have ever been real competition to feeling, i suppose.)
call me one of those stupid, weird, attention-grabbing babies who lets the passing of someone they hardly knew artificially keep them up at night, but i'm slowly figuring out myself why something like this could mean.. well, anything to me. i didn't know you; i knew of you, with only the kindest and sincerest of interpretations, but no. i never knew you.
i remember, when i was little, people used to tell me all the time to, uh, "believe the unbelievable" or "expect the unexpected." but what i never truly expected or believed would come out of those commercialized phrases would be something so.. horrific, and morbid. i thought it stood as motivation to believe in my distant dreams, and expect wonderful things to happen in my darkest hours. not.. not to believe in agonizing death, and expect beautiful people to give in to it.
i bet at times like this you may be thinking something like, "how could things ever even get that bad?"
maybe there are times you think that way 'cause you don't know what else to think. sometimes, it replaces your belief that certain things are even... real.
in reality,
someone lost their baby/older sister.
someone lost their good/best friend.
someone lost their girlfriend, their loved one.
and one of the worst pains, in my opinion that nobody on this entire earth deserves...
someone lost, and outlived their own child.
that sickening feeling doesn't just disappear. ever. death does that to you.
it took years to mourn the passing of my grandfather. and now, it's revealed itself once again to me, merely hearing of a young girl taking her life. similar feelings briefly touch the shore of my memory, and slowly ease back and forth, over and over, and if i could put it into words, into simple, lifeless words, gut-wrenching wouldn't even come close to describing it.
what literally shatters my heart to pieces is the sheer fact that she's missing out on some of the biggest experiences of her lifetime.
tell me how fair it is that someone so loved and so fragile can never walk down the aisles of a crowd to graduate from high school, college, or to walk down the aisles of a crowd to take someone's hand in marriage, or to walk down the aisles of a crowd to even find her seat on an airplane, to potentially see the world, or to...
ever physically grace any aisle or place with her beautifully haunting presence ever again.
there's uh, this one quote she put on her facebook that i couldn't help but wonder about.
"nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
the hardest part of reading stuff like this, about anyone who ever thinks they're unworthy of life for any reason, is the fact that she could ever even have the capacity to imagine her ending being so empty.
i guess maybe this hideous void i've obtained and this seemingly unnecessary sadness has conquered me, because, in a way, her and i relate.
just because you're loved, no matter how hard you want love, and want to feed off of love, and literally cannot live without love... that doesn't mean you'll ever really feel love.
indeed, she was loved... is loved. by so many, it's obvious even just by news feeds and wall posts. lots of people say stuff like...
"i didn't know her but she was so beautiful." or "she seemed so happy." or "she will always be in our hearts."
some even say, "because of this, i won't ever consider suicide again." and in spite of pain, what we've got to remember is that we all take stuff like this differently. suppression, depression, aggression, and even disconnection. i've been down in the dumps for a variety of reasons, and i know anyone reading this has too. i have yet to release my suppressed anger, sadness, and confusion in a truly reasonable manner... but yes, because of her, i can rest easy knowing this life is and always will be worth living to me; that every breath is worth taking, no matter how much pain that can and will come with it.
it all happens for a reason--everything in this life--believable or not; expected or unexpected.
and in light of today, and in light of this moment, this moment that i can never once get again, nor would i want to, for i have so many more to live and cherish, with this ever-present feeling of not only LIFE, but LIVING,
i wont be scared. and neither should you.
for any lost souls out there, read this over again (or for the very first time):
http://desireevarsha.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-are-loved.html
because no other words could ever be more true or more timeless.
if you've ever once wondered who would mourn the ending of your very own life, i can promise you there will always be someone. always.
"life is for the living, i've heard tell that it is why we are young. in the morning sun, you take every year as it comes. but when your life is over, all those years fold up like an accordion; they collapse just like a broken lung."
it could have been any of us. because at the end of the day, what we all have in common with her is that we're all loved, and we all deserve to live, regardless of the choices that we make, or that life potentially makes for us.
rest in peace, beautiful soul. you weren't scared. i didn't know you, but i bet if i did, i would have never once regretted it.
eternity will forever smile on you.
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