I've realized a few things:

1. Some people never change.
2. Memories never get old.
3. Being known as someone who's always been single, and never been kissed, is turning into a bad thing more so than a good thing.
4. Paint by numbers are classssic!
5. People are what really matter right now.
6. Lily's are absolutely beautiful flowers.
7. Sometimes it's easier to talk to acquaintances about life, than people you've known practically your whole life.
8. Making my own lunch for school makes me feel acomplished:).
9. Trust almost always leads to disappointment. (almost)
10. You definitely don't need to physically be in a relationship, to get your heart broken to pieces.

Lonely?

Ahh, the title says it all, right? Haha. Well, yeah. As of right now things feel somewhat like they're falling apart, but what else is new?

The week has only started and I'm already dreading most of it. Wednesday I have an honors ceremony thing, Thursday I'm going to the Taylor Swift concert with Steph, and I'm hoping to spend the entire 3 day weekend with the three girls that can keep me from hurting sometimes.

To be honest it feels like I'm drifting away from everyone else.
Sometimes... even them.


Missing the past becomes more and more of a necessity than I thought it ever, ever could.

I dislike Mondays.

This one wasn't too bad, but most are. In case you're wondering how things are going, nothing's gotten any better. Infact, I'm thinking the majority of it has gotten worse, but I'd rather not go into detail, because it'd probably bore you, and make me feel worse anyhow.

I've been trying to write a new song lately, but it's hard to find more compilations of words with the same message. Wow, I need to get a new perspective to write about before I have about a hundred useless songs with the exact same meaning, haha.

So, fights suck. I'm sure you knew that, but fighting with one of your best friends just sucks a little more than usual.

Hopefully, (and I mean very slim hope)
now is about the time things start changing for the better.
Even though I've kept the same thought for over 5 months, and nothing... nothing has changed. I guess I'll keep hoping?

Screw You.

(directed toward one individual) I'm soooo done with this. I swear if you keep whining, I'm just going to flat out ignore you.
I'm not going to handle your useless shit, because it's pointless fighting anyway. So please grow up and realize I never wanted to argue in the first place.


svknsfvjndkfjnbag

bye

And I never dreamed,

home would end up where I don't belong.

I'm having a semi-good, semi-bad day.
I've been thinking about a few weird things in the past couple of hours, and it's.. hard to explain.

So, I move a lot. In my fifteen years, I've lived in California, Taiwan, Oregon, Connecticut, North Dakota(ish), and then here in Arizona.
Besides Oregon, Arizona is the place that I've lived the longest.
Five and a half years here, and part of me feels like this is where I truly belong,
then the other part of me feels like I need a new, clean slate, because this town isn't doing enough for me anymore.

When any scenario of me moving anytime soon came into conversation, I didn't know what to feel, to be honest.

My life is in Arizona, I know for a fact that's true no matter where I go. My heart is in North Dakota, but it's always been that way. But... at this point, I don't know where I'm headed just yet.

I have a life here. I have important people here, I have memorable places here, and above all, I have unforgettable memories here.
But something about this place feels... empty. And that's not the greatest feeling.

I've been waiting for months, and months for something to come around and change my perspective, but I don't know if waiting is gonna do me any good anymore. I know that one of these days I'm gonna be weak, and just give up, but one of my biggest fears is thinking about how I'll be without you, or without this.

I'm scared beyond all reason, but not for the reason most people probably think.
I guess I'm not used to being in one place, in one state, in one city, in one town, and in one house for so long.
Time flies by, doesn't it?

I just don't know what to think about it at all anymore.
I'm speechless.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I've been thinking a lot today, but actually I've been thinking mostly about one thing. (which tends to come up often).

Relationships.
Now, basically everyone who knows me knows I've never had a boyfriend before. And if you didn't, well hey guess what! it's true.
Hah, I guess I've been thinking about specific people, and the things I've had before.

Also... why those things never bloomed into anything more.
About 8 times out of 10, I blame myself whether it was my fault or not.

I'm just disappointed in hearing people tell me "You need to have your first kiss already," or "You need yourself a boyfriend!"
I already think about it with at least 80% of my time, and I'm aware of every waking possibility, trust me.
And, I feel so behind with everyone. Not one person is in any nearly similar predicament as I'm in.

More than anything I want something like, what seems, everyone else in this world has.
I'm not that incredibly picky, I just can't imagine myself settling my first time around.

Odds are a lot of people assume I'm either:
1. afraid of commitment (which I USED to be, but am not anymore)
2. shallow (which is definitely not the case, ask anyone)
or 3. scared.
and above all things, I hate being called a coward, or told that I'm scared by people who wouldn't know.

I'm terribly sorry if it bothers anyone that I'm waiting and waiting for a boy who knows me so well. Who can protect me, and cheer me up every now and again. Who can hold my hand all the time, even when I least expect it. Who's willing to fight with me if truly necessary. Who respects me and my choices, even if they don't always agree. Who can just hold me and tell me every thing's alright. Who can make me laugh. Who I can talk to about anything and everything. Who uses those cute corny nicknames. Who doesn't worry about impressing me, or anything like that. Who can withstand a fairly long relationship. Who can be honest and considerate. Who has every ability to break my heart, but wouldn't.

Maybe there's someone, or some few in mind, but I can almost promise you I'm wasting my time even trying anymore.

Getting my hopes up for this let-down is killing me,
but I can't seem to let go.