...it goes on."
-robert frost.
if there's one thing i know (which i don't know if i even know, cause i know i don't know much), it's that a quote has never been more truer than true can be, as this one is.
patience is key, yet patience seems to be the one thing that almost nobody has. from personal experience, after waiting on just about everything in my life (to learn how to drive, for the school year to end, on my mom when she's driving too slow, on boys), i know for a fact that patience is something i'll NEVER have... but something i'll always, always appreciate.
you see, after waiting on so much... it's kind of like, it makes everything that you finally get, sorta.. worth it in the end.
which is something i honestly find interesting.
okay sooo.. pretty much everyone and their mother knows about all of the relationship troubles i went through a few months ago, partially due to my overbearing emotions at school or at home, as well as through other sources (which i might add, was never my intent AT ALL). and i'm gonna be straight up with you, i was a mess. a complete, utter, ugly, psycho, depressed... mess. but, only because i honestly felt like there was never gonna be an outlet i could find exactly like the one i had; like the one i worked for soo long to get.
and what scared me the most? the fact that i could work so long for something... and it could be gone in an instant, regardless.
which is true, i suppose. but not fair one bit!
i didn't want to let things go. even when i was little, all i ever did was save EVERYTHING in case i'd need it later on, or in case i'd endlessly regret throwing it away. and i guess i carried on some of those unnecessary traits, except now, it's not a funny gum wrapper or an old stuffed animal lodged in the corner of my closet... it's the feelings i had before going on the verge of a broken heart, and the people in my life i would literally beg not to go.
most of my friends told me, "time heals everything."
and you know what i said in return?
"shut up."
i didn't believe it, solely because i didn't WANT to. if i were to believe in the fact that time heals everything, that would ultimately mean that i would believe in the fact that a simple amount of time could make me fall out of love with someone, learn to live my life without something, and i didn't want to believe that was ever even possible.
you know what i say to those friends now?
"thank you."
i realized that time heals most, but not all. time healed the ever-present weight on my heart, the grueling hours i'd lie awake knowing he was sleeping perfectly well, the embarrassment, the unnecessary lack of appetite, the lock on my heart, the.. everything. however, i wasn't giving up the memories, i was just giving up the things i didn't deserve. by letting them bother me, it was keeping me alive, but not letting me live.
sometimes, life gets in the way. and while the desiree from 3 months ago may refuse to take that "excuse," the desiree right now finds it perfectly fitting.
i mean, hey, if it weren't for things like that in my life...
i wouldn't be in the place i'm in now, which i've found has become quite interesting and fulfilling.
especially because of one result :)
and so now, i can finally say, i'm happy. not because i've found my life to be perfect, but because i've found sheer beauty in every single imperfect thing about it.
and as for patience? it's a work in progress, but i'm getting there.
sort of.
11/16/10
day ten: one confession.
instead of one confession, i'm going to make a few confessions to a few different people (just because.)
-you have a way of coming easily to me. and you always will.
-i miss the "you" that would sit in parking lots with me and count how many old people there were. but strangely enough, i don't miss very much else.
-come home, :/
-you're kind of exactly the kind of person i need in my life right now.
-i like you! there, i said it.
-you have a way of coming easily to me. and you always will.
-i miss the "you" that would sit in parking lots with me and count how many old people there were. but strangely enough, i don't miss very much else.
-come home, :/
-you're kind of exactly the kind of person i need in my life right now.
-i like you! there, i said it.
11/15/10
day nine: two smileys that describe your life right now.
1. ;) just because of what's going on right now. most of my friends know what i'm talking about, and why i'm so overrexcited over just about everything because of my suddenly amazing good luck!
2. :D because i'm finally genuinely happy again! and it feels sooo gooood to be back(:
2. :D because i'm finally genuinely happy again! and it feels sooo gooood to be back(:
11/14/10
day eight: three turn ons.
1. when a boy can play any kind of music :) definitelyyy
2. if he's got a cute smile, i'm pretttttty much sold.
3. i like it when they notice the little things like i do (: it means a lot!
(wow, this was short and sweet!)
2. if he's got a cute smile, i'm pretttttty much sold.
3. i like it when they notice the little things like i do (: it means a lot!
(wow, this was short and sweet!)
11/13/10
day seven: four turn offs.
1. hmm. i guess when a boy's too shy, and afraid to show affection or confidence in front of most people. it's nice when they're not too quiet (:
2. when a boy is arrogant. it's good to note that some guys are confident, which is pretty attractive, but when they think they're the shit? yeah... it tends to make me (and i'm sure about 90% of the female population) think otherwise.
3. when boys are mean too much :( noo bueno.
4. full on facial hair. haaaa NO.
thanks(:
2. when a boy is arrogant. it's good to note that some guys are confident, which is pretty attractive, but when they think they're the shit? yeah... it tends to make me (and i'm sure about 90% of the female population) think otherwise.
3. when boys are mean too much :( noo bueno.
4. full on facial hair. haaaa NO.
thanks(:
11/12/10
day six: five people who mean a lot to you (in no order whatsoever).
1. amanda rian walsh.
est. 2006
2. chessie marie fifield.
est. 2006
3. corey alexander rizzi-wise.
est. 2007
4. rachel ann white.
est. 2009
5. dustin vishal srinivas.
est. 1993
love you guys<3
but there's certainly more than 5 (:
est. 2006
2. chessie marie fifield.
est. 2006
3. corey alexander rizzi-wise.
est. 2007
4. rachel ann white.
est. 2009
5. dustin vishal srinivas.
est. 1993
love you guys<3
but there's certainly more than 5 (:
11/11/10
day five: six things you wish you’d never done.
1. i wish i never stopped playing tennis, i need something to keep me in shape! and my best friend does it :)
2. i wish i never cut all my hair off in 8th grade. it's taking soooo long to grow back.
3. i wish i never accidentally fell on my brother and i's amazing tent in our fancy room when i was little. i feel like that might be the reason my brother secretly has it out for me to this day.
4. i guess everyone wishes they never fell in love with someone because they eventually broke their heart. but honestly, i don't regret falling in love with you. i just wish i never got to the point where i made myself worth leaving.
5. i wish i wasn't so afraid of opportunity when i was younger.
6. i wish i was ballsy enough to tell you what's on my mind right now!
ps. happy 11:11am on 11/11, make a wish! <3
2. i wish i never cut all my hair off in 8th grade. it's taking soooo long to grow back.
3. i wish i never accidentally fell on my brother and i's amazing tent in our fancy room when i was little. i feel like that might be the reason my brother secretly has it out for me to this day.
4. i guess everyone wishes they never fell in love with someone because they eventually broke their heart. but honestly, i don't regret falling in love with you. i just wish i never got to the point where i made myself worth leaving.
5. i wish i wasn't so afraid of opportunity when i was younger.
6. i wish i was ballsy enough to tell you what's on my mind right now!
ps. happy 11:11am on 11/11, make a wish! <3
11/10/10
day four: seven things that cross your mind a lot.
1. my grandpa. i miss him.
2. i wish exercise was more fun.
3. food! you see, once i think of how exercise isn't fun, i immediately think of how food IS fun :) haaa
4. my future, present, and past.
5. what am i doing with my life right now?
6. where's my phone?
7. you :)
2. i wish exercise was more fun.
3. food! you see, once i think of how exercise isn't fun, i immediately think of how food IS fun :) haaa
4. my future, present, and past.
5. what am i doing with my life right now?
6. where's my phone?
7. you :)
11/9/10
day three: eight ways to win your heart.
1. make me laugh, and laugh at my corny jokes.
though it may be painful sometimes to deal with my humor, the ones that do are the ones that are worth it :) it's not very hard to make me laugh though, i laugh at almost everything, but if you can keep me smiling, i'd adore you!
oh, and if you've got a cute smile? i'm solllld<3
2. accept me as i am.
i'm not much of an impressive girl, and i'm still learning. it means a lot to me when i can have someone who can take me at my worst and best, and still want me around. someone who can talk to me a little bit everyday, see me every once in a while, and miss me just as much as i'd miss them :)
3. smell good. (:
you'd be surprised how hard i fall for a gooood smellin' kid ;)
4. have sensible morals.
that's reasonable right? it's really nice when a boy can be close with his family, not spend every waking moment partying or destroying himself in a variety of ways, hahah. you'd be surprised how hard it is to find boys like that these days.
5. be adventurous.
i like learning new things, and going on an adventure every now and again :). show me something about the world i haven't seen yet, teach me something i don't know.
6. be my best friend, then my boyfriend.
i guess the first one comes with time, but i feel like real relationships remain stable when friendship comes first. it's always a bonus when i can come to you crying my eyes out about something that's bothering me, and also know that you're there to hold me and truly be there for me because you care :)
7. musician? :)
i'm sorry, but i've never NOT adored someone who could pick up a guitar and play, or sing a few notes here and there. it is an EXTREMELY attractive trait, and i love being with someone who has a good taste in music, and enjoys it as much as i do :)
8. enjoy the little things with me.
sunsets. lazy days. weird movies. going for walks. eating! watching the stars. going on long drives. holding hands. good morning text messages. corny lines. inside jokes. laughing too much. kissing. talking about life. need i say more? (:
though it may be painful sometimes to deal with my humor, the ones that do are the ones that are worth it :) it's not very hard to make me laugh though, i laugh at almost everything, but if you can keep me smiling, i'd adore you!
oh, and if you've got a cute smile? i'm solllld<3
2. accept me as i am.
i'm not much of an impressive girl, and i'm still learning. it means a lot to me when i can have someone who can take me at my worst and best, and still want me around. someone who can talk to me a little bit everyday, see me every once in a while, and miss me just as much as i'd miss them :)
3. smell good. (:
you'd be surprised how hard i fall for a gooood smellin' kid ;)
4. have sensible morals.
that's reasonable right? it's really nice when a boy can be close with his family, not spend every waking moment partying or destroying himself in a variety of ways, hahah. you'd be surprised how hard it is to find boys like that these days.
5. be adventurous.
i like learning new things, and going on an adventure every now and again :). show me something about the world i haven't seen yet, teach me something i don't know.
6. be my best friend, then my boyfriend.
i guess the first one comes with time, but i feel like real relationships remain stable when friendship comes first. it's always a bonus when i can come to you crying my eyes out about something that's bothering me, and also know that you're there to hold me and truly be there for me because you care :)
7. musician? :)
i'm sorry, but i've never NOT adored someone who could pick up a guitar and play, or sing a few notes here and there. it is an EXTREMELY attractive trait, and i love being with someone who has a good taste in music, and enjoys it as much as i do :)
8. enjoy the little things with me.
sunsets. lazy days. weird movies. going for walks. eating! watching the stars. going on long drives. holding hands. good morning text messages. corny lines. inside jokes. laughing too much. kissing. talking about life. need i say more? (:
11/8/10
day two: nine random things about yourself.
1. i find that an easy way to figure a lot of things out is to make a pro & cons list for them.
2. i don't like fish AT ALL. but... since i tried sushi, i kinda sorta love it.
3. i can't smile with my teeth :( about 99% of the people i tell that to don't believe me, until i show them. hahaha.
4. the one thing that keeps me going through the school day is music. choir's my outlet, and though a lot of choir kids don't like it, i absolutely love it.
5. i started dating at 16, and i've only ever had three boyfriends. all of them taught me something i'll never forget. i genuinely hope that the next time i fall head over heels for someone, they won't just be another lesson learned; i want it to mean something.
6. i get overexcited and nervous about almost everything.
7. though most people i know can't wait to get the heck out of arizona, i somehow thank the lord everyday for bringing me here. this is where my life truly began, where i found most of who i was, and what i wanted out of life. i like it here.
8. i love love loooveee playing gears of war, regardless of how much i stink at it.
9. take me to disneyland. it's my favorite place on earth. yes? :)
2. i don't like fish AT ALL. but... since i tried sushi, i kinda sorta love it.
3. i can't smile with my teeth :( about 99% of the people i tell that to don't believe me, until i show them. hahaha.
4. the one thing that keeps me going through the school day is music. choir's my outlet, and though a lot of choir kids don't like it, i absolutely love it.
5. i started dating at 16, and i've only ever had three boyfriends. all of them taught me something i'll never forget. i genuinely hope that the next time i fall head over heels for someone, they won't just be another lesson learned; i want it to mean something.
6. i get overexcited and nervous about almost everything.
7. though most people i know can't wait to get the heck out of arizona, i somehow thank the lord everyday for bringing me here. this is where my life truly began, where i found most of who i was, and what i wanted out of life. i like it here.
8. i love love loooveee playing gears of war, regardless of how much i stink at it.
9. take me to disneyland. it's my favorite place on earth. yes? :)
11/7/10
day one: ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
hah, my friend was doing this, and i was inspired!
so i thought i'd take a part in this also :)
day one:
1. you're beautiful, especially when the world tries to tell you otherwise.
2. you are most certainly not who i thought you were... but i guess it's because i never really found you worth getting to know. but i kind of had a feeling all along :/ i hate the fact that sometimes, my instinct is painfully right.
3. i think you and i should just run away together, leave the world and the worries, and never look back. ever.
4. regardless of what's going on, what troubles there may be in the world, what obstacles we had to face, i was willing to take on all of that that with you, because i saw the world in you. i guess there's nothing i can do about the fact that you just weren't ready to take on those things with me. but it's okay, because i'm still here. i've always been. (hah, i picked this number cause i remember it's one of your favorites!)
5. you're the reason i fear so much in this world, as i've recently come to realize.
6. thinking about your happiness is what helps me rationalize through all of this.
7. i'm a complete hypocrite about 90% of the time with you, and for that, i genuinely apologize. you've tried as much as you can, and i know you'll always be here for me when i'm up and when i'm down. you don't deserve the person i've been, and i'm gonna try really hard to make things right. you need a friend more than anything right now.
8. i wish i could say that i'm all messed up because of you; that i was miserable, that i was confused, that i was crazy because of YOU... but it was because of me.
9. you're the same girl i knew all this time, but i feel like maybe you're just a little sidetracked. they say "people change, faces stay the same," and i'm afraid you're straying just a little bit too far, because i just don't know who you are anymore and it's scaring me.
10. loving you was the easiest thing i ever did.
so i thought i'd take a part in this also :)
day one:
1. you're beautiful, especially when the world tries to tell you otherwise.
2. you are most certainly not who i thought you were... but i guess it's because i never really found you worth getting to know. but i kind of had a feeling all along :/ i hate the fact that sometimes, my instinct is painfully right.
3. i think you and i should just run away together, leave the world and the worries, and never look back. ever.
4. regardless of what's going on, what troubles there may be in the world, what obstacles we had to face, i was willing to take on all of that that with you, because i saw the world in you. i guess there's nothing i can do about the fact that you just weren't ready to take on those things with me. but it's okay, because i'm still here. i've always been. (hah, i picked this number cause i remember it's one of your favorites!)
5. you're the reason i fear so much in this world, as i've recently come to realize.
6. thinking about your happiness is what helps me rationalize through all of this.
7. i'm a complete hypocrite about 90% of the time with you, and for that, i genuinely apologize. you've tried as much as you can, and i know you'll always be here for me when i'm up and when i'm down. you don't deserve the person i've been, and i'm gonna try really hard to make things right. you need a friend more than anything right now.
8. i wish i could say that i'm all messed up because of you; that i was miserable, that i was confused, that i was crazy because of YOU... but it was because of me.
9. you're the same girl i knew all this time, but i feel like maybe you're just a little sidetracked. they say "people change, faces stay the same," and i'm afraid you're straying just a little bit too far, because i just don't know who you are anymore and it's scaring me.
10. loving you was the easiest thing i ever did.
11/4/10
have you ever?
have you ever been driving down the road, maybe listening to something nice on the radio, and you come to a stoplight, and notice the select few around you, and just think about it for more than several seconds?
whenever i hit a stoplight, i somehow always wonder what kinds of things are going on in everyone's life around me. if the aging man in the oldsmobile to my left is on his way home after a long days work at walmart, or if the distraught, tired looking girl to my right, no more than a year older than me, is aimlessly driving around after getting dumped by her boyfriend who decided he just didn't want her anymore.
we are surrounded by people we don't know every. single. day. and when i try my hardest to put myself into their life as much as i can for seconds at a time, i wonder what my life would be like if i didn't have to wonder; if they were a part of my life, if i knew them, or if they made an impact in some way, somehow.
but every one of us come into this world and fade out of it not genuinely knowing nearly any of them.
i remember i was sitting in the car with my friend one night, and she was telling me how she lives by this philosophy that goes, "everyone has a story. good or bad, a story is a story." which i couldn't help but agree with. everyone's got something to say, everyone misses someone, everybody feels pain, and everybody has the opportunity to feel genuinely.. happy.
and so on that note, there's something that's been on my mind:
my life isn't something i feel worth broadcasting to the world every waking moment of every day, though i'm sure a handful of people in my life would beg to differ. i knew from a young age that i wasn't meant to hold in my feelings; i'm a naturally curious, rambunctious child who was never meant to love with limits, or to restrict myself from crying and feeling true emotion like a human being should.
which is why i'm tired. the life has been knocked out of me. i don't want to be under any form of a spotlight any longer, to my family, or my friends, or my peers (and/or those who enjoy leaving harsh comments on formspring). everyone should know that i'm doing okay, and that i always will be okay, because i know how to pick myself back up regardless of who comes and goes and claims to help along the way.
for the past few months, i've been fully alive, but i haven't in the slightest been living.
i thought i was for a short time, but reality managed to catch up with expectation and i was left back at square one, but in a deeper rut than before.
i need people in my life, don't get me wrong. there are certain people i can't imagine tackling each day without comfort and solace in their words. but what's been scaring me away from people in general is the idea that nothing really does last forever; not friendships, not relationships, not optimism, nor pessimism. and.. i don't know, i'm losing more and more faith in fate. but i do genuinely believe that things happen for a reason. does that make sense?
oh, whatever, i'm starting to confuse even myself.
i guess... i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've got a lot of troubles, i know, and i share select things with the world once i'm ready to take on what it has to offer me. and no, i'm not conceited nor selfish in that manner, because one thing i know more than most is that EVERYONE has troubles, too. pain is different to you, and to me, and to just about anyone else, i'm sure. we all have happiness, and sadness. we all have confusion, and clarity. we all have love, and despair.
there's certain things i want in my life right about now, but i'm starting to realize i'll have to be patient for them, and work hard for them, because i myself am made of flaws, however, with good intentions, and i only find it fair that i mend the mistakes i've made in hopes that it will reap better results.
one of those "things" in particular, being you.
whenever i hit a stoplight, i somehow always wonder what kinds of things are going on in everyone's life around me. if the aging man in the oldsmobile to my left is on his way home after a long days work at walmart, or if the distraught, tired looking girl to my right, no more than a year older than me, is aimlessly driving around after getting dumped by her boyfriend who decided he just didn't want her anymore.
we are surrounded by people we don't know every. single. day. and when i try my hardest to put myself into their life as much as i can for seconds at a time, i wonder what my life would be like if i didn't have to wonder; if they were a part of my life, if i knew them, or if they made an impact in some way, somehow.
but every one of us come into this world and fade out of it not genuinely knowing nearly any of them.
i remember i was sitting in the car with my friend one night, and she was telling me how she lives by this philosophy that goes, "everyone has a story. good or bad, a story is a story." which i couldn't help but agree with. everyone's got something to say, everyone misses someone, everybody feels pain, and everybody has the opportunity to feel genuinely.. happy.
and so on that note, there's something that's been on my mind:
my life isn't something i feel worth broadcasting to the world every waking moment of every day, though i'm sure a handful of people in my life would beg to differ. i knew from a young age that i wasn't meant to hold in my feelings; i'm a naturally curious, rambunctious child who was never meant to love with limits, or to restrict myself from crying and feeling true emotion like a human being should.
which is why i'm tired. the life has been knocked out of me. i don't want to be under any form of a spotlight any longer, to my family, or my friends, or my peers (and/or those who enjoy leaving harsh comments on formspring). everyone should know that i'm doing okay, and that i always will be okay, because i know how to pick myself back up regardless of who comes and goes and claims to help along the way.
for the past few months, i've been fully alive, but i haven't in the slightest been living.
i thought i was for a short time, but reality managed to catch up with expectation and i was left back at square one, but in a deeper rut than before.
i need people in my life, don't get me wrong. there are certain people i can't imagine tackling each day without comfort and solace in their words. but what's been scaring me away from people in general is the idea that nothing really does last forever; not friendships, not relationships, not optimism, nor pessimism. and.. i don't know, i'm losing more and more faith in fate. but i do genuinely believe that things happen for a reason. does that make sense?
oh, whatever, i'm starting to confuse even myself.
i guess... i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've got a lot of troubles, i know, and i share select things with the world once i'm ready to take on what it has to offer me. and no, i'm not conceited nor selfish in that manner, because one thing i know more than most is that EVERYONE has troubles, too. pain is different to you, and to me, and to just about anyone else, i'm sure. we all have happiness, and sadness. we all have confusion, and clarity. we all have love, and despair.
there's certain things i want in my life right about now, but i'm starting to realize i'll have to be patient for them, and work hard for them, because i myself am made of flaws, however, with good intentions, and i only find it fair that i mend the mistakes i've made in hopes that it will reap better results.
one of those "things" in particular, being you.
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