Sorry!

You know, I just started sophomore year on monday! It's been exciting to be back, and seeing all the faces I've missed terribly. I must apologize for the lack of entry, since I've been SO exhausted, and SO overwhelmed lately. I've had to fix up some rough patches, figure out how to deal with some awesome and some not-so-awesome classes, and realize a few things :). But, I still really want to keep this blog up, even if the days are more spaced out until I write again.

I am psyched for Soph year, man. Not because I'm not considered 'Freshman' or because I don't have to take the same old classes, but because it's a new, fresh start. At this point, I'm able to brush off the stress of last year, and take on a hell of a lot of new stress overwhelming me this year! Haha (she says sarcastically). But still! Isn't it great to know that you have a whole new school year ahead of you? And in my case, it brings me closer to the end of my high school career. Before I know it, I'll be prestigiously walking on the stage in a huge stadium with various parents, peers, and people I have never met a day in my life screaming and cheering for me, and I'll finally acknowledge the fact that another year has gone by, and months from then I'd be in college.

Time flies, huh? It's insane.

So, since I've dealt with counselors who should pretty much hate me by now, and at least one teacher who hated me the minute I walked through the door, I've at least tried to make an effort to see the people whom I don't have classes with this year, so I don't loose touch with them. That's the one thing that disappoints me about moving into a new school year; having to start over with friendships. I know I wouldn't have any friends if that really, truly bothered me, but still! It's harder than you think to keep as awesome of relationships with friends from school, when it's such a big school, and you have no classes together. But I'm doing all I can!

I only hope for the best for all of the incoming Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors, and to all of the kiddos I know going to college in the fall, GOOD LUCK; don't loose touch :)

Sophomore year, here. I. come.

I'm So Over You Now.

I'm a real big fan of yours,
But I'm quite the joke to you.
But boy it wasn't a joke when you
Kissed me in your room and replied,
"I love you too."

I'm a little bit insecure
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out,
Workin it out is so damn hard,
When you're alone.

sha da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da

I am running out of words to say to you,
wondering why I'm wasting my time.
Thinking back and wondering why,
I'm such a fool for loving you.

And I get to the point where
All I wanted for for us to make up,
But its not that easy.
Cause boy you move on so quickly,
Keeping a girl like me at the edge of her seat.

And I know everything you do
Is all about your perfect image.
Well I hope this song,
It helps your image.

sha da da da da da da da da da da
da da
I'm so over you now.

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time.
Thinking back and wondering why,
I'm such a fool for loving you.

And I was one who thought I was strong
Well you proved me wrong
Now I'm singing along every song
On the radio i dont wanna go
Come on baby tell me
Something I wanna know
Now wanna see what is on my mind
Because this lack of motivation is
taking over my time and I'm sick of trying.

All together now!

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time.
Thinking back and wondering why,
I'm such a fool for loving you.


I'm so tired of all of this.
I'm so stupid for even caring.
I'm so over you now.
Goodnight.

Dream.

“Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the world, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairytale, by love.” -Ben Okri.

I've come to realize that a girl can be greatly known for the dreams she possesses. The long-lasting idea of a fairytale life can follow a girl, even past her childhood years. It's not as if it's unrealistic for a girl to still want a prince charming, and an eternal happy ending. Though, most don't realize how or when they can achieve such a newfound "standard" for happiness. Some also dream of bigger things, like future plans, and future life achievements that make them feel worth something. However, growing up in such a diverse, unfair world, those dreamers and idealists are forced to face cold hard truth sometimes, and only hope that the dreams they close their eyes to imagine, can be seen with eyes wide open, whether it be prominent, or unseen for much of a girl's life.

Ever since I was little, I've dreamed and concocted the strangest of things. Most I don't remember, but some I still hold on to. I never knew that when I got older, heartbreak would feel worse than tripping over a rock feet away from my friend's front door, and scratching up almost my entire body. I never exactly thought about how afraid I'd be to take risks, when I thought taking a huge risk was going high on a swing set, since I used to be scared to death to even try. Never once did I know that drama from my peers could exceed the time me and my old best friend got in a fight because she left her bike in my yard. And never once did I even think that the little sassy girl I was, full of hopes, love, and dreams, would turn into the person I've become to this day. I didn't know so much in this world could hurt me. But, I've found that I hadn't really started living until everything seemingly possible in the world that could hurt me, did, and I still held my composure. I realized that dreaming is the only medication that could even relatively soothe the pain that reflected onto me, after the loss of trust I've found in others, or the loss of myself in my own chaotic thoughts. Whether it'd be dreaming of how I'd fall in love one day, or how and where I'd begin a life and family, and especially who I'd always see myself becoming. But oh, if only it wasn't easier spoken, than it is to actually follow through with.

Nobody can ever tell you how excruciatingly tough life can get, until you're forced to look it right in the face, and give it every possible thing you've got. And I've found that you never truly know how strong you are, until strong is the only thing you can be. Everybody's gonna have to deal with boys who think they're worthy enough to be complete jerks, girls who can't help but start drama for the attention they don't deserve, and problems that will make you feel so scared about your future, that you're almost ready to take a step back and cry your heart out. But whether you do or not, or whether you face those things with an open mind, or a weary heart, you learn. You learn from the tears, and that helps you appreciate the smiles. You learn from the fear, and that helps you appreciate the risks. You learn from every little thing that brought you down, for it only makes you stronger. I've finally learned to sing, just because I'm happy with life, love, regardless of my past, just because I'm aware that I'm strong enough, and to laugh, knowing that no matter where life can take me, I'll always be fulfilling the same dreams I once dreamed, just because I'm slowly but surely living it.

Rambling.

START TIME: 10:54pm (AZ time)/12:54am (ND time)

I consider myself Tomorrow girl. Yeah, I'm 2 hours ahead right now, so while it's about 10:55pm in Arizona, it's 12:55am in North Dakota! WHAT NOW SON.
/
I had a pretty freaky dream the other night. Tyler was trying to depart from his parents, and I went along with him, all excited. This guy at the desk looked over all of his paperwork (I guess you need paperwork to disown your parents), and he told Tyler that he had to be 3 lbs bigger to do that. (yeah, I was confused too), and so I guess he got all upset, and I was trying to convince him saying "at least you're not fat!" but he wouldn't listen. So I stormed off, mad, then found this park/field with a bunch of people and started running, doing cartwheels, and front flips. Tyler and this other cute guy were chasing me, and someone sitting in the grass said "You look like Wolverine!" and I was like "I KNOW RIGHT!?" Then Tyler and the cute guy caught up with me, and I was laughing my ass off, saying "that was funnnn!" and it was all a blur from then on.
/
Yesterday consisted of:
-Getting myself twisted in a hammock
-Seeing the legit Paul Bunyan statue.
-Taking a mini train ride that went -2.7 miles per hour.
-Practicing driving around everywhere A LOT
-Finding a homecoming dress :)
-Noticing how bad of a North Dakota accent I've acquired.
-Going to a place called Bemidji!
-Choking on kettle corn
-Almost going Kayaking.
& A bunch of other stuff I can't remember.
/
OH MY GOSH. I'm really excited for the rest of this week, and next week!
Monday: Getting my driving skills down (Parallel parking, parking, backing up, more practice with traffic, etc.), then going to the Texas Roadhouse for dinner.
Tuesday: Visiting my grandma's mom, going out to eat, and hanging in Thief River.
Wednesday: Go to the Fargo Mall, shop, then get on my plane ride home!
Thursday: Go get my Sophomore schedule at Hamilton (Even though I'll be going on the Freshman day :( ), then maybe shopping with Lindsey for Cody's birthday gift.
Friday: Possibly go school supply shopping with the girls, then painting chessie's room!
Saturday: Cody's 16th MASQUERADE birthday party!
Sunday: Prepare for school :)
Monday: First day o' sophomore yearrrr :)
/
So, how come everyone's breaking up lately? It's horrible. Couples I thought would last longer, (for being a high school couple) have just all of a sudden parted. It lessens my hope an incredible amount.
/
I got pictures done on Saturday, in an indian outfit, and they turned out BEAUTIFULLLL, because of the way Michelle Curfman (My grandma's sister's daughter) decided to do them. Ahhh, she's amazing. We took some on the beach, and on this gorgeous trail in front of their house. I'm so glad I got to go see them again, I had a blastttttt.
/
I guess I just thought I'd make this blog a little more stupid, and random, since I felt like that was the kind of mood I should be in for at least one entry ;) So, bammm sucka' ! haha. I crack myself up.


END TIME: 11:03pm (AZ time)/1:03am (ND time)

That took me less than 10 minutes! Haha. Dang, I should go to bed.

love love love.

Ohh, what an interesting, passionate topic. Now I'm sure this far into me writing in this blog everyday, the topic of love takes up about 84% of it. And that's simply because, I'm so infatuated by it. I'm still unsure if I've truly felt what it's like, but I know for a fact I've at least come as close as a girl of my nature can. Falling in love can be such an easy thing. I mean, it takes more of one's effort to hate someone, than to love them. And the only thing that makes such lovers hesitant, is the ideas of getting their heart broken to pieces. I completely understand this, and I wish it didn't have to be that way. Really. I'm tired of having to pick through boys who believe they're strong enough to be complete jerks to the downright core. When people ask "Do you fall for players often?" I can honestly say no. I'm not foolish, I'm picky enough to know when someone's not genuinely looking for the kind of relationship I am. It's hard for me to even be friends with someone that barely shares my interest. And when all they do is try hit on me? Yeah, it doesn't really work out for me.

I can't stress enough how much my mind isn't in the right place right now, for me to throw myself out there in the dating field again like I thought I could. I'm lonely as anyone could be these days, but I can't rush into anything because I have other priorities I need to focus on right now. But, as much as I'm feeling more like I'm in the right place, the old thoughts of months ago rush back into my mind, and I realize once again; I'm horrible at falling out of love. I just can't do it, you know? As good as I think I am at all of this "relationship" and "dating" stuff, there's still so much that I know I'll never be able to do. I guess you could say that it's better to care too much, than to care too little, but the fact of the matter is, you get hurt either way. I just can't wait until I can actually find someone who shares the same general idea as I do. And someone that actually won't jump into trying to start a relationship with me within the first few days they know me. Each time that happens, it makes me want to hold on to things I've had tighter and tighter.

Love's not fair; not one bit. Sometimes it works in your favor, and sometimes it can make you hate almost every aspect about life. I wish I wasn't such a drama queen when it came to that kind of stuff- you know, I've noticed, I wish for a lot of things. It makes me look as if I always want what I can't have. Sometimes, I'll admit, that's the case, but not always. I appreciate my life a little more than the average teenager, and anything I say that sounds depressing is only my venting. And I'm sure I'll be venting about love much, much more in the future. But hopefully, I'll be able to post something cute, and meaningful about a boy sometime later in this blog, before I grow up and turn into the creepy lady with 27 cats. (PS. I hate cats.)

And I Never Realized How Much I Missed You Until The Days I Needed You Most Of All.

Dear Grandpa Darrell;

It's almost been two full, life-changing years since you passed away. Things are definitely not the same at all anymore. Being in North Dakota is wonderful, but it's never been the same without you. I'm so glad you're not in pain anymore, and I know now that your heart was far too big, and wonderful to even withstand in just a human body. Every time I see an eagle, I think of you. I know you're looking out for me, and I know you're proud of everything I've done. I wish you were here to patch up the heart wrenching holes in our family these days. I really do. I wish you were here to listen to how much progress I've done with my singing, since I've added guitar, and I now write songs. I really miss you, you know. I never realized how many things remind me of you. I really wish I got more recent pictures with you. I'm sure if I find some recent ones, I'll keep them with me, and make sure they're somewhere I can find them to look back on.

Grandma's got a new house, and it's just beautiful. She's been such a strong, influential woman in my life. I award you for picking a good one (the second time around ;D), because she's done so much for me, and means so much to me. Her and I talk all the time about how hard it is getting through the days without you. I remember the times when you would hand out 50 cent pieces to little kids in church when you could tell they wanted to be anywhere else. Also, the times when you would do anything to buy the craziest things for me, or my brother, or even my mom and dad. I loved visiting you and Grandma in Mesa. All of your jokes still occasionally shine through my dad, and my brother every once in a while, and I think of you. I remember one of your favorite restaurants was Keegan's Grill; we don't really like that place at all too much, but it meant the world to me when we went there on your birthday last year. It's coming up pretty soon! September 2nd. I can't believe you were born all the way back in 1938. You would have been 71 this year; can you believe it? I'm glad that you're always able to look down on me now, even though I can't hear you, nor hold you anymore.

The one thing that keeps my mother, Grandma, and me hanging on, is the fact that we all know we're gonna see you again someday. I visited your grave yesterday. Me and Grandma put an angel by your stone as well, because it seemed like it'd fit right, on account that the porcelain angel symbolized the fact that you're our guardian angel. You know, there could be millions of other tombstones (which there probably were!), and I could distinguish yours almost instantly. I love the bible verse that's engraved in the stone, very much so. "But those who hope in the lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles." (Isaiah 40:31). Times have been rough, Grandpa. People in our family have been falling apart, and I never realized you were the only thing holding them together. A lot of them are making bad choices, and it's hard deciding what to do without your genuine input. I still really can't get myself to believe you're gone, and I honestly think it's because I know you're not. I always imagined you'd be around for me, when I graduate, or at my wedding, or even taking me to the casino for my first tim, and constantly being the only person who could tell me they're proud of me a million times, and I'll actually believe them every time.

I've learned a lot from you, even when you weren't trying to teach me anything. I hope you know that you've been a huge influence on my life, and that I love you more than I'll ever love anybody else in my lifetime. Most people come across a remarkable person, once or twice in their lifetime, if they're lucky. And I must be the luckiest girl in the world to have had the pleasure of knowing an even more remarkable man like you my entire life. I'll always remember all of the memories that lie in that old house Grandma sold last fall. I grew up there, I spent countless Thanksgivings, Christmas', and weekends there, with you. I can't believe I was so oblivious to how happy I was. But, I'm happy now knowing that things happen for a reason, and that you're a miracle in human form. I'm sure when you're not watching over me, Grandma, my mom, or anyone else, that you're in the casino up there, hitting on the angelic waitresses while gambling your heart out. I just hope you know how much I've missed you. I love you, Grandpa Darrell.

Love always,
Desiree Varsha Srinivas.





PS. I wish crying helped ease the pain. You mean the world to me, Grandpa. Nothing's ever felt just right since November 16th, 2007; that cold fall day that you left. If there were a stronger word than love, I'm sure it wouldn't come close to applying in this situation. Thank you for being the main reason I'm where I am today. I love you.

Happy Happy Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHEELA! YOU'RE FINALLY 10! (:
Sheela's been the best dog a girl could ever have. Ever since 1st grade, even before I knew what a best friend was, she brought me so much joy and happiness. She's not only been a 4 legged creature living in the same household as me, but she's actually been like the little sibling I've always wanted. I think we've finally come to a point where we understand each other, and it's been really great having her. I love the little things, like how we share fruit by the foot, or how she'd hide in my room during thunderstorms. At this point, I realize she's getting older, and I'm beginning to cherish every minute I get to spend with her, whether I see her big brown eyes light up every time I come home, or even on days when I'm not feeling too well. She's been there with me through everything, and losing her would be out of the question. To everyone else, she's just a dog. But to me, she's a best friend, and I love her endlessly. No matter what happens, she'll always be in my heart.<3

Hey There!

Right now, I'm sitting at this small airport (Phx-Mesa) all by my lonesome in an entire row of chairs, waiting anxiously for the plane that's gonna take me to one of the prettiest places I've ever been to, and my favorite place on Earth. There are a lot of people here, though (I think the stewardess said 101 passengers altogether?) and there's so much commotion going on right now, people surrounding me from old-timers, to newborn babies. This is a small airport, and a small flight, which actually isn't such a bad thing. I attempted at posting bulletins and other various awesome things to let everyone know I'm here right now (even though odds are they wouldn't care) but the internet here does not like me at all, haha. I'm surprised that blogspot's even working. Right now, there's a handful of people getting off of a flight, so I'm sure we'll be getting on anytime now. I absolutely love airports, and I love flying in general. This would have to be my third or fourth flight by myself, except this time I'm old enough to actually not have an escort (thank heavens!). My grandma is gonna pick me up once I get there, though, which I'm excited about because I haven't seen her in a little while. :)
I'm trying to think of anything else I have to say, and the minute I looked up, this bald man just stared right at me. I'm thinking about how incredibly awkward that was. I'm sure a lot of people are wondering why it looks like a teenage girl is writing a novel on her macbook, so I may have to keep this one short for today. Besides, my flights gonna start boarding in about ten minutes.

I can't wait to land in North Dakota! I'll keep whoever actually reads this blog posted on anything interesting that happens in the next 8 days:)

Wish me a good flight!

So,

Most people think my parents are pretty cool. They think my mom's chill, and my dad's pretty funny. And whenever people tell me such positive things about my parents, I always end up saying "Well, you don't know them as much as I do."

Tonight, proved my point correct.

This is something I should not even think of posting, at all whatsoever, because it's a family issue, and it's not actually proven to be correct, what I'm assuming. But, this is just taking full capacity of my mind, and I needed to say something to someone because I can't help but feel... scared.

It had to have been 12:00am, when I hear my mom and dad screaming, and my mom is bawling her eyes out. I walk in to see what's wrong, and I'm bombarded with my own parents, yelling at me their sides of the story simultaneously, like 3rd graders. My mom was on the brink of sending my dad right out the door, because she accused him of something he didn't do; told him he stole something from her that he did not steal. He swore on my life he didn't do what she accused him of, but she kept on and on telling him to leave, and telling him to stop lying to her. She even said she was going to go to urgent care and tell them that he stole the pills from her, because she was going insane. And it was soon enough there were about 6 empty little bottles scattered around in her nightstand drawer. I have never, ever seen my mom act this way.

It's a horrible thing to hear your mom cry. Really, it makes you feel like someone you strongly look up to has a weak spot, and you almost can't handle watching that, because you reflect it upon your own actions. But it's an even more horrible thing, to assume that after all the facts, and all of the proof, your mom could possibly be addicted to something that could kill her.

I miss you.

Remember when I told you I was jealous of you before? I believe it's gone to a whole new level.

So, I was just skimming over some friend's pictures on the internet, and in the corner of my eye I notice my old friend had some of her and this boy she had only talked on the internet, but soon adored. I remember she used to tell me about him all the time, and that she didn't want to be stereotyped as the girl who held up a relationship only through a computer screen, like most actually do. And for some odd reason, I could totally understand what she had meant. And for as long as I've known her, I have never seen her smile about anyone as much as she had for him. They had pictures posted of them when he had come to Arizona to visit her. He lived out of state, and when I didn't think it was possible to connect so incredibly much through a computer screen, I was proven wrong. Every single picture of her and this boy made me smile. Whether they were looking funny, or holding hands, or just gazing into each other's eyes. They truly, genuinely care more about each other than an average married couple today, and at least a thousand times more than the average High School couple. I can almost promise you that. Part of me is so incredibly happy for her, it's insanity. And the other part still misses that old girl she was. I know that's impossible to bring back, but I'm the type of girl who can't help but have hope for things that are just hopeless.

If there was one thing her and I had in common, it was the fact that we both loved the ideas and fabrications of relationships, and love itself equally. And if you know me, I think about those kinds of things an INCREDIBLE amount, and she was the only other girl I've ever met who's done the same. She's found the love she and I have been dying for our whole lives. This boy is phenomenal for her, and speaking honestly, I can say that these two are true soul mates. I can only hope that the path I chose will be as successful as the one she's living and loving to this day. I'm so proud of her, and jealous of her all simultaneously. Even if she so happens to read this blog, and acknowledge all that I've been thinking about, I still don't want her to go out of her way, to try patch up the old friendship we had. And I know she might, because that's the kind of girl she is. But I'm content with watching her live her life so gratefully. Maybe I was holding her back, or maybe I was just someone along the way that helped her in a meaningful way become the person she is now. Some things about her will never change, and some things about her have, in many different ways. I'm sure, that since our friendship bloomed, I'm the same way.

In my mind, after analyzing everything, I kind of feel as if my actions helped me make a decision I would have made, in a bigger picture. I'd rather her be as astonishingly happy with her life, even though I'm not in it anymore, than her be a little less than satisfied, with me being involved in it, as her best friend. I never planned on letting our friendship dim as much as it has, but I remember telling her that above all things, I wanted her to be happy. And it's true. I never thought of the possibility of all of this fanning out the way it did, but as much as I want to change what happened, I wouldn't dream of ever doing it. Seeing her happy is worth losing the pointless videos we would have made, or the times we would have laughed our asses off about inside jokes that happened years ago, or looking back on old pictures of when we never cared what we looked like, or singing like freaks on Karaoke Revolution, or the late nights we would have shared sitting up talking about everything. I won't say I wouldn't have enjoyed every waking second of it, with her so involved in my life. I miss her, a lot. Though, the person she is today was not the person who was my best friend before. I guess we just grew apart, and as painful as it is, I know it's for the right reasons. Just because she's not my best friend, doesn't mean she's lost the indescribably trust I had in her for such a long time. Just because she's not my best friend anymore, doesn't mean I don't love her and don't always want what's best for her. I do. And for as long as I live, I hope she knows that if she's ever meant something to me (which she has), then she always will mean something to me.

So here's to the strong, religious girl who used to be my amazing, yet lost best friend. When I thought you couldn't get stronger, you proved me wrong. I love you so much, even still, Relish. I hope you have a great life.

Miracles.

I was looking through Postsecret today, like I do every Sunday. I always end up coming across many secrets that make me laugh, or feel bad, and of course, chosen few that make me reflect on certain time-frames of my own life. This week's postcards were filled with pretty great things, and I ended up falling upon several I related to; this one especially. I've found that my life, each day, still seems just like every other day. I always feel as if I was anticipating a major event that was going to happen. Day in, and day out, I would hope and day dream of, in all honesty, a miracle.

But now, looking back on my progress I realize that the journey itself was the miracle. I've done and lived through so much, thinking back to as early as my memory serves me. I've lived through miracles, and I've learned things people would only dream of understanding. I'm happy with myself, and all that I've done. I'm happy for the direction my life is currently going. I'm happy that the miracle I thought I needed to spend all of my time dreaming about, was working indiscreetly in my favor all along.

Some brief things I remember of miracles in my life, were the people I've come to meet and know. If it weren't for miracles, I wouldn't have felt like I had fallen in love several times in the past years. If it weren't for miracles, I wouldn't know what a true best friend was, until the one's I have today had showed me through genuine actions. If it weren't for miracles, the lessons I know of up until today wouldn't mean nearly as much to me as they do now.

One memory in particular, I remember, happened last summer, at church camp in Colorado. That was back when Courtney still lived in Arizona, and I was still trying to figure out a lot of things. I remember distinctly, there was this boy there, who was probably several years older than me, who seemed... different from most. He would always carry around his guitar, playing various gospel songs, singing his heart out almost all of the time, and praying like there was no tomorrow. Especially under this massive, beautiful tree that was at the college we were staying at. Though he sounds like a wholesome, inspiring kid, he was actually nearly hated by almost everybody there. I understand now, that he wasn't the greatest kid, and that he made a lot of strange, and bad choices. But isn't that ironic? The people who made the efforts to go on a trip to learn about their savior, and how to feel loved by one another, pick such a "perfect" backdrop to discriminate someone else. I can honestly say, without fear of exaggeration, that Courtney and I were the only two people who became friends with him, nonetheless could stand being around him for more than 3 1/2 minutes. And I remember, that one day he was playing guitar out by the big tree, and a lot of people were around. He had set it down momentarily, and someone who was listening up in the tree had decided to jump down, not even taking a moment to acknowledge the fact that his feet were going to land right on this precious guitar, before his mind could realize his mistake. Immediately, the guitar went from one piece, to two. I remember someone telling me that the boy with the guitar teared up, and ran off somewhere no one even knew of. And all that the rest of the group did was laugh at him, while making fun of him. At this point, he was no where to be found. I later learned that he received that guitar as a gift from his mom, who he never gets to see much anymore. Funny thing is, once more and more people heard of the story, some either wrote it off, or some faked emotion for attention. I can tell you right now, that the pain I felt for this boy was definitely not fake. The more and more I analyzed the whole situation, the more I felt like crying my eyes out. And I definitely remember when all of this was going on, I had an amazing leader there help me out so incredibly much. I cried hard, and I prayed harder. And the minute I thought I lost hope, someone sent a message down that he was found, by one of our friends at the camp. It was a miracle, the way he had found him. He told us that he was walking everywhere, searching for this boy, and right before he lost hope himself, something told him to walk down this road, and that's where he saw the boy, all by his lonesome, but safe.

Now, this story could possibly have no meaning to you. I know it won't seem as much of a miracle to you, as it is to me. It probably never will, and that's okay. Miracles have happened in my life, that I am blessed to have experienced. I only hope that anyone else out there could have gotten the message as clear and so bluntly in the face as I have, and appreciate it, just like I've learned to.

The reason I remember that day so well, is because that's the day I felt as if I had proof that miracles do happen. Every. Single. Day.

I Love My Life.

But now I kind of understand why I've never had a boyfriend before. Hahahah.
I love Chessie :)

Aweh.

I've always been a writer. Ever since I was little, I've been obsessively writing poems, stories, and anything you can think of during almost all of my free time. And at an early age, I realized that when I was older, I hoped to pursue Journalism, because writing in general meant so much to me, and still does to this day. Although, I've found something quite interesting.

I never exactly planned on doing this blog to inspire, or do much. I never wanted to say something to please someone at another computer screen, or anyone else who's eyes eventually fall on this blog. Maybe I'm so surprised to know that more and more people read, since I'm used to people consistently writing me off, or not letting anything I have to say really mean a thing to them. And it just makes me feel good knowing that there are people willing to listen to what I have to say, even if it's 90% rambling about who knows what. I've found that more and more people just like reading this, because they're open to understanding that it's completely alright to feel things, and it's completely alright to let the world know. That's what I've been doing. Lately, I haven't felt the need to hide much of anything from anyone. I'm honestly not afraid of being judged. I can't fake what I have to say, what I do, what I enjoy, and what I'm all about. This is who I am, and who I am is all I can offer.

I've kind of noticed, in a general sense, that hiding what we are, and sometimes who we are happens quite often. I mean, hello? I'm in high school. It is far easier said than done to "be yourself." Am I right? I've spent countless times stressing myself out, wondering why I'm doing things I'm doing, or why I've gotten myself into certain situations I would have never guessed I'd be in just a year prior to it. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that I've never been a shy, kept-to-myself kind of girl. And I'm not even gonna say that being so is a bad thing. Everyone hides something, and I think doing so isn't as horrible of a thing to be experiencing as most people assume it is. One satisfying thing in life, is to find a way to release the things you're holding back, and just live. Sometimes it happens in high school, and sometimes it happens much, much later in life. Either way, it can't be rushed, and when it happens, it happens. Entering high school, I almost felt as if I needed to find people to influence me, and people I could stand behind so I could just get through the next 4 years without worrying. And I'm more than happy to have realized that in the duration of my Freshman year, I have grown stronger as a person, independently, and more so of the kind of person I've always wanted to be, which is nothing like who I thought I'd become. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world, when you truly, genuinely feel like you've found yourself. And through that exuberant feeling, I've felt almost nothing but excitement to continue the next 3 years of my high school career, wanting to love every minute of it.

It means an unimaginable amount to me that you guys make this blog a part of your day, even if it's just briefly for a few minutes. I know that some of these entries can be pretty stupid, boring, or weird, but I really appreciate being heard. This whole idea of rambling online started out as just an idea I found, that actually helped me get things off of my chest, to get through the day. And now, I'm glad to know that it's used as a way of letting some of my friends or anyone reading this, understand, in a sense, what I'm about and what my values are. It lets everyone know that I'm actually living the same mistakes, successes, and loses as a lot of people are, and that I'm always, always here for anyone who ever wants to talk about it. I can't even believe the responses and awesome feedback I actually get from writing this blog day to day. Honestly, I didn't think people would mind looking at it much, since it was just something I used as a form of venting. But now, I feel as if it means more. I really am going to keep this kind of thing up, because it's really something I look forward to doing each day. And if you like reading it, don't be afraid to let me know! This blog is alike to a safe-haven for me, and I'd like everyone know that they're always welcome to talk to me about anything, and everything.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ****
To: Desiree!
Date: Jul 8, 2009 9:53 PM
Subject: damn

WATZ GUD SHORTY
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Desiree!
Date: Jul 9, 2009 4:50 AM

Do i know you ?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ****
To: Desiree!
Date: Jul 8, 2009 10:00 PM
Subject: Re: RE: damn

NO. BUT U SUPA SEXI SO I ADDED U
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Desiree!
Date: Jul 9, 2009 4:59 AM

Oh. Well, that's kind of a turn off.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ****
To: Desiree!
Date: Jul 8, 2009 10:08 PM
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: damn

watz a turn off or how is that
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Desiree!
Date: Jul 9, 2009 5:08 AM

you don't even know me. you're only adding me because you think im attractive. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I'm almost sure any girl worth talking to doesn't want to hear that she's "supa sexy" from anybody. Yeah, something along the lines of pretty, or beautiful is better, but the point is, maybe i'd actually add you if i knew you could treat a girl with damn respect.
_____________________________________________________________

Oh, what a wonderful Myspace message!
I *'d his name, just cause this actually happened today, but it kind of actually stands for a bigger meaning,
since this isn't the first time it's happened.
I am definitely known to a lot of people for saying it like it is, and I can't stand when this kind of stuff happens.
I guess I've recently realized I have a "No Bullshit Tolerance."
Sweeeeeet.

What if?

These are the kinds of things that make you really think how different everything could be, if something happened a second sooner, or a second later. How a life could go on, or end; how relationships can get stronger, or weaker; how one person's whole world could get a little brighter, or significantly darker. Today, I learned that the life of someone I do not know of at all, have never met nor talked to a day in my life has been taken, thanks to anger and envious thoughts. But just think; what if her life wasn't taken? What if in some strange way, I could have met this girl some time later in my life? The saddest thing is, I'll never know. I'll never know what a good friend she is, or the little things about her that most people don't realize. I'll never know what she likes to do on the weekends, or the people in her life that she couldn't live without. No one else ever will. And the people who were there for her all along, the people who know those things already, have to suffer knowing that they'll never get to see her again, all because of one person's stupid actions. It's just not fair, right? I guess you could argue saying "no one said life's fair" but that doesn't mean that these kinds of things are allowed to happen. Death is such a scary issue, and even writing all of this scares the heck out of me. Every time I'm faced with things like this, I can't help but wonder, "What if?" What if she never associated herself with this boy? What if she was with someone at the time? What if she survived the bullets? Exactly. What if? If things were to happen a second later, or a second sooner, maybe she'd be home with her family right now. Maybe she'd be out enjoying her summer, instead of suddenly shutting down in a cold hospital room. I guess I'll never quite understand how different things could really be if they didn't happen at the exact moment they did. I strongly believe things happen for a reason, but I never knew that some things could be this incredibly hard to handle.

Whoa Baby.

You know what's just surprising to me these days? 6th graders/7th graders.
Now, I know back in my Elementary and early JH years, I thought I was the shit. Or, at least I was more confident in myself in a sense. But the younger kids of today have got to be a thousand times worse. Constantly I see kids who are just going into 7th grade talk about how horrible their lives are, or how much they despise people and concepts they're lead to believe is "drama." Dude, when I was freakin' 12 I didn't even worry about half the drama these young girls are throwing themselves into to feel "cool" and "accepted." But honestly, I feel more sympathy for these girls than I do annoyance, because they must feel deprived of actually being a kid, when I know I wasn't at all. When I used to worry about lasting friendships, telling someone I thought I had a crush on them, and how different Junior High was gonna be, these girls worry about the next boy they're gonna kiss, who they have to avoid in Junior High, or the next time they're gonna break the rules. These girls are mindlessly swearing like they think people want to hear it, and talk about concepts they don't even really know enough about. What kind of a childhood is that? It's not as if high school's not going to be chock full of a hell of a lot more drama than they could probably even imagine. Take in the moments you'll strive to go back to, don't waste them trying to grow up. Oh, and spilling your life stories out on Myspace isn't going to do much for you at all either. Try living your life out in the world, instead of cooped up on the computer moping about what you think is a horrible life. I don't like that girls actually are exposing themselves to heartbreak, drama, and other things at THAT young of an age. I guess "I shouldn't be the one talking" since I'm only 4 years older. But in those 4 years, I've learned a lot more than these girls probably ever will, because I've actually had the chance to be a kid, as well as make the mistakes they're already making. I'd just hate to see all of this get worse. Maybe girls who aren't even old enough to see PG-13 movies, should stop acting like they're already in college. Agreed?

Thank You.

Thank you for being relaxed enough to joke around with me.
Thank you for coming back, and showing me I never lost feelings for you.
Thank you for dropping everything just to see me.
Thank you for making an effort in showing me how much you cared.
Thank you for letting me feel like I really was worth it.
Thank you for finally holding my hand, after all those times you told me you wanted to.
Thank you for laughing at my jokes, even when they weren't funny.
Thank you for worrying about me.
Thank you for all of those flat out amazing hugs.
Thank you for just holding me when I felt like falling apart.
Thank you for being the only one who could genuinely make me smile.
Thank you for always listening to me vent about my problems.
Thank you for being a complete sweetheart, even when you didn't have to be.
Thank you for being mature enough to tell me the whole story.
Thank you for all of those awkward moments.
Thank you for making promises with me.
Thank you for all of those cute text messages.
Thank you for trying.
Thank you for accepting my friends and family.
Thank you for being totally honest with me.
Thank you for not being a total douche bag like most other guys.
Thank you for being apart of the reason I had so much fun that one day at Fiddlesticks.
Thank you for always surprising me by picking me up whenever you hugged me.
Thank you for actually trying not to hurt me, even if it didn't exactly work out that way.
Thank you for making December a really good month.
Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I thought you did.
Thank you for always keeping me in your heart.
Thank you for absolutely everything you've ever done or said.
Really.

I kind of feel embarrassed for saying all of this, especially if you're reading it, but it's kind of been on my mind lately.
Thanks to you, I've learned that it's alright to give every last piece of your heart to someone, no matter how much it can hurt, because honestly, the pain was worth it for what you did for me, without even trying. So, thank you.