i wanted to be a singer. my grandpa always got these crazy thoughts in my head of singing in front of crowds, and sharing my voice with the world. i used to talk, and i'd always get overlooked or i'd go unheard. i used to sing, and eyes would turn my way, even just for a moment in time to glance, or even for a while, to watch. and what more does a young, 9-year-old girl want than attention and consideration? nothing. it was my outlet, and my dream. as years progressed, and birthdays passed, i got older, which more times than none means i got wiser. at the age of 13, my grandfather passed away; the only man who had ever heard me when i talked, and when i sang; the one soul that made me believe anything was possible. and so as he passed, so did my dream of singing. i learned that my voice was just a voice, and that there were much more important things to worry about, like my family, any the reality of continuing on with life regardless.
so singing, in my life, took a backseat. i guess growing up does that to you.
ohh what a concept: growing up.
while i was young, i believed in a lot of things. i believed i could do a lot of things, say a lot of things, wear a lot of things, try a lot of things, and be a lot of things. however, i thought my world wouldn't even truly begin until i grew up. but what age specifies growing up? is it 13, because that's when you reach the 'teens?' is it 16, because that's when you can drive? is it 18 because that's when you become legal? is it 21 because that's the age when you can start drinking? i kind of think growing up comes more with experience than it does age. once you learn that you can't truly believe in everything you once believed in, you hit the brutal mark between reality, and everything else. and that's what i define growing up as, in a sense. "the moment where you realize you can't truly believe in everything you once believed in," because it's true.
the hardest part of growing up, is change. change in its many forms, doesn't come any more bitter sweet than change in the people around you. the best thing that can potentially ever happen to you, is having just the right person stumble into your life at just the right time. the worst thing that can potentially ever happen to you, is having just the right person stumble out of your life at just the wrong time. sadly, you get your fair share of both.
after sitting back and watching some of the most incredible group of boys i've ever met, painfully anticipate the departure of their life long best friend for his mission to berlin, germany for 2 years, i realized something: while the world around you may change, as long as you have the people in your life that choose to stay with you, and choose to learn everything about you but love you anyways... well, then growing up may not be so bad. having to move around my entire life, i haven't had a friend in my life longer than 6 years, while these guys have been tight-knit for more than 10. things happen for a reason, i know of this. and growing old with your best friends, nay, your brothers, such as these guys have, is a gift they've been given, that i would kill to have had throughout my life. i admire them for what struggles they've faced, the memories they've shared, and the lessons they've learned that they grace me with each and every day. i know it's truly extremely painful watching your friends move on to college, or on to their missions, or growing old and, like said before, realizing that they can't always believe in everything they once believed in... but these boys proved me wrong. you can believe in the old things, and you can keep on believing anything is possible, even when the rest of the world tries to convince you otherwise. they've shared the most incredible memories over the years, and it's a beautiful thing to see that even in a time of pain and fear, they find happiness and hope in what they've all been through, together. if any of you are reading this right now, i hope you know how proud of you i am; how much i look up to each and every one of you, and how much i want you to know i'll be there for you on that cold morning at the airport, and on the fateful day the few walk away for college, and for the remaining struggles you have to face. i'm not much, but i hope i'm enough. i have faith in you all, because i know that the world isn't strong enough to break that bond, and neither is growing up. you guys have given me hope all over again, and you've given me something to believe in again that i thought i never could.
while we're young, we can't wait to grow up. while we're older, we would give anything to go back. and there are certain people in this world who remind you why growing up should come naturally; it's inevitable, and all we can do is handle it to the best of our abilities. so, with that in mind, as i grow older and subconsciously let go of certain things i once believed in, i wont let go of it all. i'll grow up still believing that the past will eternally remain the best of times.
6/22/10
6/15/10
three things.
so, i was driving on the road today, just cruisin' along to an old mix cd amanda gave me a while back, when, from out of nowhere, this old hot shot sporting a bright blue minivan starts riding my butt on the road! he eventually passes me in the rudest of ways, luckily though, i passed his sorry butt within seconds. i'm not an aggressive driver, don't get me wrong, i just like reminding people sometimes that they're not 'aaaaall thaaat' ;).
so today's entry, i decided, is going to be about egos, priorities, and toy story. yes, toy story.
let's start it off with egos. like my lovely introduction, i guess i've been noticing a lot of uproars of ego problems lately. not all in bad ways, though. i guess i'm just trying to say that i've noticed a few people in my life.. getting off track. thinking they're somewhat better to an extent? i don't know. i miss the way we all used to be in elementary school. when being better than someone else meant you had better pokemon cards to trade, or when your mom bought you the 64 pack of crayons with the built in sharpener you never used, even though you thought it was the coolest thing to hit the planet. nowadays, it's so different. and i'm tired of people thinking they're sooo cool for the weirdest reasons. i'll admit, i'm sure i've done it too. i'm only human. i have several friends who i've been desperate to hang out with and catch up with for a while, but they've either been too busy for me, or have come up with the craziest of excuses not to hang out. several was recent, and now that i think of it, one pierces my mind from a while ago. it's crazy to think we used to be so close, but because of one small change in her life, we might as well be strangers now. her life choices have led her to believe, basically, she's too good for me. and maybe she is, who knows. i still care about her as a friend and a person, whether she looks down on me or not. the recent ones i guess aren't too bad. it happens right? which leads me into my next topic: priorities.
i think the heart of inflated egos, are mixed up priorities. i know for a fact that mixed priorities have been my downfall plenty of times. especially now that it's summer, i can understand why people just can't get in the groove of what they normally do, who they normally see, and why they normally do the things they do. that's why everyone labels summer as 'the time of change.' from the time when school ends to the time when it starts back up again, we rack our brains thinking of what to do now that we don't have to worry about homework, or waking up early, or having to sit in one place for 6+ hours. so what else is there to worry about? uhhm.. just about everything else. and when we analyze the kinds of people we are, we start to think that maybe it's time for a change. change could be anything from a new haircut, to a new personality, and you'd be surprised how short of time both of those can take. and so priorities get all mixed up! whenever my priorities get mixed up, i lose contact with really good friends, or i start to question every move i make, or i get in fights with too many people. it's really tragic, to be honest. and so this summer, i've decided change isn't in my best favor. i like the girl i am, even though i'm still trying to figure out just what girl that is. and as for the place i'm in, i know things can get better, but things can also get worse. and if it's truly out of my control, why should i stress about it so much? in my life, through various forms of proof, i have seen that things do happen for a reason. and in the end, it'll all be okay.
"If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry." -Dalai Lama.
I like that quote. I think it leads into the idea that no matter how large your ego may be now, and no matter how messed up your priorities may be now, in the end... it'll all be okay if you're passionate enough about what you want.
so, the third topic i decided to write about was toy story. my friends and i, lately, have been SUPER excited for toy story 3 to come out, because the toy story movies are honestly just flat out amazing. we grew up with toy story, and now that the 3rd one involved andy going off to college, we can't help but at least generally relate ourselves to it because as andy has grown with the toys, so have we! so, something else my friends and i have been talking about, is how the youngins of our time want to see it just as bad, when they weren't even in the womb when the first one came out! it's ridiculous, i'm thinkin that they could never get the full effect of the movie unless they grew up with it. ohhh how i miss those old days. oh well, i'm still superrr excited for the 3rd movie to come out. planning on going to the midnight premiere with some friends. jollly good!
so, now that i've covered all i had expected to cover... there's just one more thing that's been on my mind today.
i'd like to address it to you. today would have been a special day, and i'm racking my brain, wondering 'what if' and would have, should have, could have's. slowly but surely, i'm losing you. and in all my days, that's one thing i hoped to never do. please don't give up on me, in the end it'll all turn out the way it's supposed to, and all of this will be okay. honestly, what i wished you would have taken away from all of this, you hadn't. if anything i'm the only one learning which is honestly ridiculous at this point. i never said it'd be easy, i just said it'd be worth it. trust me, just this once.
so today's entry, i decided, is going to be about egos, priorities, and toy story. yes, toy story.
let's start it off with egos. like my lovely introduction, i guess i've been noticing a lot of uproars of ego problems lately. not all in bad ways, though. i guess i'm just trying to say that i've noticed a few people in my life.. getting off track. thinking they're somewhat better to an extent? i don't know. i miss the way we all used to be in elementary school. when being better than someone else meant you had better pokemon cards to trade, or when your mom bought you the 64 pack of crayons with the built in sharpener you never used, even though you thought it was the coolest thing to hit the planet. nowadays, it's so different. and i'm tired of people thinking they're sooo cool for the weirdest reasons. i'll admit, i'm sure i've done it too. i'm only human. i have several friends who i've been desperate to hang out with and catch up with for a while, but they've either been too busy for me, or have come up with the craziest of excuses not to hang out. several was recent, and now that i think of it, one pierces my mind from a while ago. it's crazy to think we used to be so close, but because of one small change in her life, we might as well be strangers now. her life choices have led her to believe, basically, she's too good for me. and maybe she is, who knows. i still care about her as a friend and a person, whether she looks down on me or not. the recent ones i guess aren't too bad. it happens right? which leads me into my next topic: priorities.
i think the heart of inflated egos, are mixed up priorities. i know for a fact that mixed priorities have been my downfall plenty of times. especially now that it's summer, i can understand why people just can't get in the groove of what they normally do, who they normally see, and why they normally do the things they do. that's why everyone labels summer as 'the time of change.' from the time when school ends to the time when it starts back up again, we rack our brains thinking of what to do now that we don't have to worry about homework, or waking up early, or having to sit in one place for 6+ hours. so what else is there to worry about? uhhm.. just about everything else. and when we analyze the kinds of people we are, we start to think that maybe it's time for a change. change could be anything from a new haircut, to a new personality, and you'd be surprised how short of time both of those can take. and so priorities get all mixed up! whenever my priorities get mixed up, i lose contact with really good friends, or i start to question every move i make, or i get in fights with too many people. it's really tragic, to be honest. and so this summer, i've decided change isn't in my best favor. i like the girl i am, even though i'm still trying to figure out just what girl that is. and as for the place i'm in, i know things can get better, but things can also get worse. and if it's truly out of my control, why should i stress about it so much? in my life, through various forms of proof, i have seen that things do happen for a reason. and in the end, it'll all be okay.
"If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry." -Dalai Lama.
I like that quote. I think it leads into the idea that no matter how large your ego may be now, and no matter how messed up your priorities may be now, in the end... it'll all be okay if you're passionate enough about what you want.
so, the third topic i decided to write about was toy story. my friends and i, lately, have been SUPER excited for toy story 3 to come out, because the toy story movies are honestly just flat out amazing. we grew up with toy story, and now that the 3rd one involved andy going off to college, we can't help but at least generally relate ourselves to it because as andy has grown with the toys, so have we! so, something else my friends and i have been talking about, is how the youngins of our time want to see it just as bad, when they weren't even in the womb when the first one came out! it's ridiculous, i'm thinkin that they could never get the full effect of the movie unless they grew up with it. ohhh how i miss those old days. oh well, i'm still superrr excited for the 3rd movie to come out. planning on going to the midnight premiere with some friends. jollly good!
so, now that i've covered all i had expected to cover... there's just one more thing that's been on my mind today.
i'd like to address it to you. today would have been a special day, and i'm racking my brain, wondering 'what if' and would have, should have, could have's. slowly but surely, i'm losing you. and in all my days, that's one thing i hoped to never do. please don't give up on me, in the end it'll all turn out the way it's supposed to, and all of this will be okay. honestly, what i wished you would have taken away from all of this, you hadn't. if anything i'm the only one learning which is honestly ridiculous at this point. i never said it'd be easy, i just said it'd be worth it. trust me, just this once.
6/4/10
sometimes, things just don't go the way you planned.
but sometimes, they do. i knew coming to this 'summer journalism institute' program was going to benefit me in my future, and so far, i know it will. but i also knew that it was going to put me in a continuous stream of awkward moments from start to finish, at a length of two jam packed weeks. and indeed it has. you know how you go off into a camp or a club, or somewhere new, and you don't have anyone you already knew before to latch on to? yeah, and then you find someone relatively nice at the surface, and without spoken words or confirmation, you trade the idea that 'okay, for the rest of this camp/trip/program, you and i will latch on to each other when there's anything concerning partners, groups, or teams.' and even though you guys may act like the best of friends during certain moments, the fact of the matter is, you both just naturally, certainly don't have the best intentions for one another, and odds are you just won't talk after the programs over. yeahhh, welcome to my wonderful first 2 weeks of summer!
don't get me wrong, some of the kids here seem super cool. maybe it's just me who can't be the social butterfly i mistook myself for. but part of me believes some of these people aren't truly worth getting to know. the dorms are beautiful. downtown phoenix is.. well, downtown phoenix, yet the people are way consumed in journalism. i know that shouldn't have come as a surprise to me, but left and right, i hear all of these stories of people who are editor-in-chief, of a 5a school (whatever that means), knowing they've wanted to pursue this career since diaper years. me, on the other hand, get to brag about my low quality newspaper staff with an advisor who played upperclassman favorites, with a mindset of pursuing journalism for, what, 3 years now maybe? while they discuss their priority in the journalistic world, i tried informing people of the life i have that i'm sure they must have lost in the process of going crazy.
there have been plenty of times, unfortunately, where i was on the brink of tears i wanted to go home so bad. after the 2 hour lectures, and computer programs after another, the days just felt more like weeks. and the scariest thought that crawled into my mind a few times was the idea that maybe journalism just... wasn't my field. i mean gosh, i know i was meant to write, but was i meant to report? was i meant to merely inform and leave it at that? i didn't get that original sense of fulfillment i so desperately longed for.
so, due to my lack of social skills with my colleagues who have clearly already set out their cliques and close friends, i've spent far too many nights in the dorm room by myself. my roommate, originally a girl i assumed would label me as snobby, weird, or stupid, is usually out during the times when i'm in, so yeah, it's been quite lonely. but i'd rather be disregarded for what i'm really all about, than artificially accepted for skin i'm not comfortable in. so it's okay.
the nights here, i'm not gonna lie, have been pretty amazing. there are two groups; digital media (which is what i'm in) and broadcast. basically, the two are separated in different schedules the entire day, with the exception of meals and the time after 7pm. broadcast girls are extreme sweethearts, but i have a feeling the kindness is only a protocol, and that if honesty was the only policy, i would just be disregarded. which is okay, i guess, i never like being somewhere where i'm not wanted.
but through this process, i would especially like to thank aaron, josh, and alyssa for coming down to tempe to see me yesterday. the program allows us to do insanely cool stuff at night like go to tempe, or first friday (which was today), watch movies, play wii, hangout, all that jazz. and they came to see me and remind me why i miss chandler SO freakin' bad.
the assignments we do here aren't bad. i was called for assignment editor, and according to the professor i didn't do too bad :) the stories i'm working on are going to be ballin, and as for hands on working, i don't mind the projects, they're actually just fun to me. well, for the most part.
honestly, i still don't think this program is worth missing my finals. yeah! to top it all off i have my english, math, and chem final to come home to!
for now, i apologize for my endless complaints and seemingly whiny personality. i just want to go home. but i don't think clicking my heels is gonna do that for me, hah, all it's gonna do is remind everyone why they thought i was such a fruit in the first place.
don't get me wrong, some of the kids here seem super cool. maybe it's just me who can't be the social butterfly i mistook myself for. but part of me believes some of these people aren't truly worth getting to know. the dorms are beautiful. downtown phoenix is.. well, downtown phoenix, yet the people are way consumed in journalism. i know that shouldn't have come as a surprise to me, but left and right, i hear all of these stories of people who are editor-in-chief, of a 5a school (whatever that means), knowing they've wanted to pursue this career since diaper years. me, on the other hand, get to brag about my low quality newspaper staff with an advisor who played upperclassman favorites, with a mindset of pursuing journalism for, what, 3 years now maybe? while they discuss their priority in the journalistic world, i tried informing people of the life i have that i'm sure they must have lost in the process of going crazy.
there have been plenty of times, unfortunately, where i was on the brink of tears i wanted to go home so bad. after the 2 hour lectures, and computer programs after another, the days just felt more like weeks. and the scariest thought that crawled into my mind a few times was the idea that maybe journalism just... wasn't my field. i mean gosh, i know i was meant to write, but was i meant to report? was i meant to merely inform and leave it at that? i didn't get that original sense of fulfillment i so desperately longed for.
so, due to my lack of social skills with my colleagues who have clearly already set out their cliques and close friends, i've spent far too many nights in the dorm room by myself. my roommate, originally a girl i assumed would label me as snobby, weird, or stupid, is usually out during the times when i'm in, so yeah, it's been quite lonely. but i'd rather be disregarded for what i'm really all about, than artificially accepted for skin i'm not comfortable in. so it's okay.
the nights here, i'm not gonna lie, have been pretty amazing. there are two groups; digital media (which is what i'm in) and broadcast. basically, the two are separated in different schedules the entire day, with the exception of meals and the time after 7pm. broadcast girls are extreme sweethearts, but i have a feeling the kindness is only a protocol, and that if honesty was the only policy, i would just be disregarded. which is okay, i guess, i never like being somewhere where i'm not wanted.
but through this process, i would especially like to thank aaron, josh, and alyssa for coming down to tempe to see me yesterday. the program allows us to do insanely cool stuff at night like go to tempe, or first friday (which was today), watch movies, play wii, hangout, all that jazz. and they came to see me and remind me why i miss chandler SO freakin' bad.
the assignments we do here aren't bad. i was called for assignment editor, and according to the professor i didn't do too bad :) the stories i'm working on are going to be ballin, and as for hands on working, i don't mind the projects, they're actually just fun to me. well, for the most part.
honestly, i still don't think this program is worth missing my finals. yeah! to top it all off i have my english, math, and chem final to come home to!
for now, i apologize for my endless complaints and seemingly whiny personality. i just want to go home. but i don't think clicking my heels is gonna do that for me, hah, all it's gonna do is remind everyone why they thought i was such a fruit in the first place.
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