i know i say this blog is something i use as an outlet for myself, just myself, and nobody else.
but uh, i hope you're reading this one, and watching this. because this song reminds me of you.
i'm sorry.
6/26/11
i'm so stupid
i wish i actually knew what it was like to let someone love me for EVERYTHING i am and EVERYTHING i'm not.
i thought i did... but i was wrong.
and it's all my fault.
so i'm gonna make this right.
for you.
i thought i did... but i was wrong.
and it's all my fault.
so i'm gonna make this right.
for you.
6/24/11
smiley face.
so, while the rest of my friends are out drinking, and smoking, and snorting, and partying...
i'm gonna enjoy a wonderful evening in, playing fable until i fall asleep.
i wish you could "like" blogposts. because i feel like i'd get a lot for this one :)
i'm gonna enjoy a wonderful evening in, playing fable until i fall asleep.
i wish you could "like" blogposts. because i feel like i'd get a lot for this one :)
6/22/11
i've got the perfect set up here.
i got my secondhand serenade on low playing in the background of my pitch dark room, lit only by the obnoxiously bright laptop screen. my heatpad wrapped profusely around my aching jaw, and my body at rest under blankets.
like i said, the perfect set up, right?
...right?
i, uh. well.. uhm. kids, i learned something today.
it took my ugly anxiety to act up, my makeup to smear all over my face, tears to fall, and my composure to.. well, for a lack of a better word, collapse genuinely in every which way possible, for me to learn this.
so, i'll explain it the only way i know how to, i suppose. but to start off, i'll send you back to the beginning, like usual.
i used to think i was one nerdy "to-do" list short of a love guru. and, i was.. i think.
go back and read the blog posts i put up before, ehh.. august of 2009.
i basically researched "love" and "relationships" like it was some sick book report that i could never quite finish all the way through.
then.. i finally shut that book report down and got myself someone to fall in love with.
sure, it was wonderful and everything i dreamed of... for about 5 months.
he, uh.. well he scarred me for life, i guess you could say.
i don't think, psychologically, i'll ever fully fit all the pieces back in place just right, but i'm okay these days.
the following 4 months were filled with fears, heartache, confusion, and choices. i finally found myself three things by the following april:
used, bruised, and out of love.
then i guess i fell in love again, really really fast.
more than i was before, because this time i "got it right."
(hahaha... yeah right.)
things were wonderful and magical and exactly how they made it seem in the movies but in real life, and i was swept off my feet, this time, for the better.
until he dropped me. hard. and instead of picking me back up like he told me he would, he left me there to rot, profusely, for months and months without one single second look back. after all the spite, and heartbreak, and confusion, i picked myself up, dusted myself off... and actually convinced myself that these boys were mere stepping stones, and that the third time was going to be RIGHT.
hahaha.. ah, such a naive child was i.
so, next came a strapping boy, one i had at the time admired.
well, he uh.. he came out of nowhere you see, under the radar, always a friend and a good one at that.
though i was hated for it, i thought i'd give him a chance-- i told myself that this time? i wasn't gonna fall in love anymore until love decided to fall for ME.
which is probably why he left within the month....
SO moving on.
uhhh, after that i decided love was stoopid. like really? SO STOOPID.
i'm the one who like, researched it for months and months, and experienced what it's like to break a heart AND get my heart broken, experience long term AND short term, so I KNEW EVERYTHING.
(hehheeh).
so i decided that if i, desiree srinivas, was not worthy of love, then there must be something wrong with the system.. so it was stupid.
so, to cushion the following winter months, i filled them with a few flings and dates here and there (aghem, two ridiculous kids in particular... hahaha silly boys)
then good old recent ex boy came back!
i felt like this time, things were different, and we could do this. really do this.
we were like bffls and lovers, so everything was gonna work out, and we could be honest with each other about anything and everything. and we were, and by all means, it was a healthy loving relationship. (or at least, healthy and loving according to my skewed standards.)
i... i gave him every last thing i had left in me. (for better or for worse) because i thought this was my last shot, my last hope. there was no more moving forward, but only moving backward to past love and loss, because that was all i even deserved at this point. i was worn out :/
and so that's how things were, dandy as can be, for 5 months.
until they weren't... at all.
i was craving something, something beyond what i was used to and beyond what i had.
i was tired of being afraid, feeling overwhelmed, and feeling less than enough...
i NEVER deserved some of the hurtful words i got, or the drunken affection i reluctantly accepted with a painful grin on my face.
so i did what i guess i do best. i left.
and i did what i do second best by accident... fell head over heels. again.
but this time? harder.
in fact... i'm kind of still falling.
and i want everyone and their mothers to know how hard i'm falling for someone who's NOT like any of those other boys, but indeed, different and more exceptionally wonderful than all of them combined.
no. not because he's more handsome (which he is) or because he's funnier (which he actually REALLY is), or even because he's just a teeny bit more charming and desirable (which he most certainly is, and I ACTUALLY GOT HIM. hehehe..)
nope. none of those things, (regardless of how much of a bonus they may be)
but simply because he's different. legitimately. he sees me for every single thing i am, good or bad, and every last thing i never was. and he loves that. can you believe it?
i'm sure anyone who reads my blog has read these stories so many times over and over...
and i'm sure i've addressed these stories with such bias depending on what mood my heart decides to express.
but tonight i'm addressing something i'm entirely unfamiliar with, that is not quite tainted by bias.
guess what world?
desiree varsha srinivas can be loved, LOVED, without having to surrender herself physically.
and.. i mean, it's gonna take some time to fully comprehend, and understand, and believe.. but.. it.. it's true.
and guess what?
it's not just me. every single freakin' girl on this EARTH deserves to be LOVED for, for their smiles. their eyes. their laughter, or their pretty hair. their corny jokes. their cute kisses. their funny way about holding hands. their unforgettable ability to stay in someone's head for days at a time. their.. anything. their EMOTIONS.
someone really, really special and close to my heart taught me that tonight. now.. i.. it's complicated, and only the most genuine of boys (filling up quite a small percentage in the world today) can really teach you that after getting to know everything about you, and lovin' you anyways.
it hurts a little, because i can't just automatically convince myself that everything's fine and dandy and that i'm used to this... i'm not. at all.
when.. ever since my first relationship, i was thrown into the reigns, physically and emotionally, and i recklessly threw away everything i knew and believed to selflessly make someone happy, because i thought i loved them. thought i cared for them, and maybe i did at one point, but.. i always thought that being flexible about a lot of things was how it was supposed to be, it was a way i found happiness, and searched for acceptance; to know i was pretty, wanted, worth something.. anything.
which is exactly what all those other boys made me think. but now, what i once thought i loved, are mere stepping stones.
they led me to exactly where i not only want to be... but need to be right now.
i... i got so worked up over relationships, that i forgot what it's about.. i forgot about my most cherished, favorite thing in the entire universe; love.
"you're perfect to me. you're beautiful, so beautiful, and you make me happy. you make me want to be with you every freakin' second. desiree, don't you see? your love is enough. it always has been."
thanks for being that extra push i've needed all along.
like i said, the perfect set up, right?
...right?
i, uh. well.. uhm. kids, i learned something today.
it took my ugly anxiety to act up, my makeup to smear all over my face, tears to fall, and my composure to.. well, for a lack of a better word, collapse genuinely in every which way possible, for me to learn this.
so, i'll explain it the only way i know how to, i suppose. but to start off, i'll send you back to the beginning, like usual.
i used to think i was one nerdy "to-do" list short of a love guru. and, i was.. i think.
go back and read the blog posts i put up before, ehh.. august of 2009.
i basically researched "love" and "relationships" like it was some sick book report that i could never quite finish all the way through.
then.. i finally shut that book report down and got myself someone to fall in love with.
sure, it was wonderful and everything i dreamed of... for about 5 months.
he, uh.. well he scarred me for life, i guess you could say.
i don't think, psychologically, i'll ever fully fit all the pieces back in place just right, but i'm okay these days.
the following 4 months were filled with fears, heartache, confusion, and choices. i finally found myself three things by the following april:
used, bruised, and out of love.
then i guess i fell in love again, really really fast.
more than i was before, because this time i "got it right."
(hahaha... yeah right.)
things were wonderful and magical and exactly how they made it seem in the movies but in real life, and i was swept off my feet, this time, for the better.
until he dropped me. hard. and instead of picking me back up like he told me he would, he left me there to rot, profusely, for months and months without one single second look back. after all the spite, and heartbreak, and confusion, i picked myself up, dusted myself off... and actually convinced myself that these boys were mere stepping stones, and that the third time was going to be RIGHT.
hahaha.. ah, such a naive child was i.
so, next came a strapping boy, one i had at the time admired.
well, he uh.. he came out of nowhere you see, under the radar, always a friend and a good one at that.
though i was hated for it, i thought i'd give him a chance-- i told myself that this time? i wasn't gonna fall in love anymore until love decided to fall for ME.
which is probably why he left within the month....
SO moving on.
uhhh, after that i decided love was stoopid. like really? SO STOOPID.
i'm the one who like, researched it for months and months, and experienced what it's like to break a heart AND get my heart broken, experience long term AND short term, so I KNEW EVERYTHING.
(hehheeh).
so i decided that if i, desiree srinivas, was not worthy of love, then there must be something wrong with the system.. so it was stupid.
so, to cushion the following winter months, i filled them with a few flings and dates here and there (aghem, two ridiculous kids in particular... hahaha silly boys)
then good old recent ex boy came back!
i felt like this time, things were different, and we could do this. really do this.
we were like bffls and lovers, so everything was gonna work out, and we could be honest with each other about anything and everything. and we were, and by all means, it was a healthy loving relationship. (or at least, healthy and loving according to my skewed standards.)
i... i gave him every last thing i had left in me. (for better or for worse) because i thought this was my last shot, my last hope. there was no more moving forward, but only moving backward to past love and loss, because that was all i even deserved at this point. i was worn out :/
and so that's how things were, dandy as can be, for 5 months.
until they weren't... at all.
i was craving something, something beyond what i was used to and beyond what i had.
i was tired of being afraid, feeling overwhelmed, and feeling less than enough...
i NEVER deserved some of the hurtful words i got, or the drunken affection i reluctantly accepted with a painful grin on my face.
so i did what i guess i do best. i left.
and i did what i do second best by accident... fell head over heels. again.
but this time? harder.
in fact... i'm kind of still falling.
and i want everyone and their mothers to know how hard i'm falling for someone who's NOT like any of those other boys, but indeed, different and more exceptionally wonderful than all of them combined.
no. not because he's more handsome (which he is) or because he's funnier (which he actually REALLY is), or even because he's just a teeny bit more charming and desirable (which he most certainly is, and I ACTUALLY GOT HIM. hehehe..)
nope. none of those things, (regardless of how much of a bonus they may be)
but simply because he's different. legitimately. he sees me for every single thing i am, good or bad, and every last thing i never was. and he loves that. can you believe it?
i'm sure anyone who reads my blog has read these stories so many times over and over...
and i'm sure i've addressed these stories with such bias depending on what mood my heart decides to express.
but tonight i'm addressing something i'm entirely unfamiliar with, that is not quite tainted by bias.
guess what world?
desiree varsha srinivas can be loved, LOVED, without having to surrender herself physically.
and.. i mean, it's gonna take some time to fully comprehend, and understand, and believe.. but.. it.. it's true.
and guess what?
it's not just me. every single freakin' girl on this EARTH deserves to be LOVED for, for their smiles. their eyes. their laughter, or their pretty hair. their corny jokes. their cute kisses. their funny way about holding hands. their unforgettable ability to stay in someone's head for days at a time. their.. anything. their EMOTIONS.
someone really, really special and close to my heart taught me that tonight. now.. i.. it's complicated, and only the most genuine of boys (filling up quite a small percentage in the world today) can really teach you that after getting to know everything about you, and lovin' you anyways.
it hurts a little, because i can't just automatically convince myself that everything's fine and dandy and that i'm used to this... i'm not. at all.
when.. ever since my first relationship, i was thrown into the reigns, physically and emotionally, and i recklessly threw away everything i knew and believed to selflessly make someone happy, because i thought i loved them. thought i cared for them, and maybe i did at one point, but.. i always thought that being flexible about a lot of things was how it was supposed to be, it was a way i found happiness, and searched for acceptance; to know i was pretty, wanted, worth something.. anything.
which is exactly what all those other boys made me think. but now, what i once thought i loved, are mere stepping stones.
they led me to exactly where i not only want to be... but need to be right now.
i... i got so worked up over relationships, that i forgot what it's about.. i forgot about my most cherished, favorite thing in the entire universe; love.
"you're perfect to me. you're beautiful, so beautiful, and you make me happy. you make me want to be with you every freakin' second. desiree, don't you see? your love is enough. it always has been."
thanks for being that extra push i've needed all along.
6/17/11
after my br00tal wisdom teeth surgery, my mouth is just genuinely sore;
but.. well.. so is my heart.
6/16/11
it kind of makes me giggle a little,
that even someone from the outside looking in who hardly knows you, sees you in public in a group of girls, and cares enough to tell me how much of a fruity kid you've become.
man.. back when we were so close, you used to be so cool. it kind of gives me a sense of relief to know that at least i'm not missing out on much; wish i knew what happened to you.
i'm in a weird mood, and i don't think i like it.
man.. back when we were so close, you used to be so cool. it kind of gives me a sense of relief to know that at least i'm not missing out on much; wish i knew what happened to you.
i'm in a weird mood, and i don't think i like it.
6/8/11
dear blogspot (and all those who read this silly thing),
i think i'm seriously head over heels, heart over mind, thoroughly and genuinely in love.
& i don't care who knows it.
as always,
desiree
ps. thanks for being a good listener.
& i don't care who knows it.
as always,
desiree
ps. thanks for being a good listener.
if you're having a bad day,
or an average day, or a weird day,
or even a fantastic day,
i hope this makes you smile.
or even a fantastic day,
i hope this makes you smile.
6/7/11
you're wrong.
1. you're so wrong for me, and you always have been. i'm sorry.
2. your friendship is beyond what i deserve. thank you, gentle heart.
3. you terrify me, and i love it. keep kissing me on the forehead, holding my hand, and telling me you love my heart, because i think i'm really starting to believe it.
4. i hate you; not because he loves you, but because you'll never love him enough in return.
5. if i could redo everything, i'd do it just like you.
6. that song was beautiful before you, and still is long after you're gone.
7. i blame you when in reality i've been blaming myself all along.
8. when you come home to me, i'll be waiting. i promise.
ask me what i stand for, and i'll studder. ask me what i want, and you couldn't get an answer out of me even if it killed me.
i guess.. i'll just continue to go where the wind'll take me.
how spontaneous am i for you now?
2. your friendship is beyond what i deserve. thank you, gentle heart.
3. you terrify me, and i love it. keep kissing me on the forehead, holding my hand, and telling me you love my heart, because i think i'm really starting to believe it.
4. i hate you; not because he loves you, but because you'll never love him enough in return.
5. if i could redo everything, i'd do it just like you.
6. that song was beautiful before you, and still is long after you're gone.
7. i blame you when in reality i've been blaming myself all along.
8. when you come home to me, i'll be waiting. i promise.
ask me what i stand for, and i'll studder. ask me what i want, and you couldn't get an answer out of me even if it killed me.
i guess.. i'll just continue to go where the wind'll take me.
how spontaneous am i for you now?
6/6/11
you've taken the life right out of me.
you KNOW the last place i want to put this is on my blog... but since your blog screams my name everywhere... i suppose this is like a personal response.
what you call lying, i call keeping you from utter destruction.
do you think you could have honestly handled the truth at a time like that?
i know you too well.
what you call a temporary break up, i call a situation in fate's hands entirely.
it's not temporary. and i wouldn't have done it if it weren't what i thought was right.
impulse had nothing to do with it. i'd been thinking of a lot, over the course of that week you ignored me, along with the following week you spent every waking moment with me.
and as much as it pains me to say this... the deciding factor was if i was able to picture my life without you or not. i never ever used to even fathom the idea of living without you.. but the vivid picture of my life with and without you grew almost one in the same.
if you think hurting you was my first intention, you're wrong. but for once... for once in my gruesomely terrifying life filled with so much fear... i finally decided to do something for MYSELF. and in the process... i did something for you, too.
you're not a bad boyfriend. well.. you weren't to me. you were caring, considerate, fun, adventurous, lovable... you were right about so many things, and you taught me so much that no one else could. but there was one thing you weren't right about: me.
your tears kill me a little bit inside every day, and i knew i'd have to brace myself for hell when you received the message today. but not only am i doing this because i think.. know it's right; i'm doing this because i can't keep making you believe the thought of you and i can be repaired so effortlessly.
california couldn't fix us. no more fighting? no more time away? if it was as easy as that i wouldn't have thought we were so... hopeless.
i know your pride keeps you in so much misery and makes you HATE this feeling of being desperate or emotional... but from a friend point of view... it's life. you know i went through this pain (times a thousand) when my relationship with aaron went spiraling down, and the worst part about it was that there was nothing i could do to fix it. it hurts, probably one of the worst pains in the entire world. but.. time healed me. i came out alright, probably, even better than i was before.
the least bit i owe you is to be realistic and not ever let you call me yours out of sheer pity.
he had nothing to do with why i left. not feeling like i surpassed your pride, along with many other factors had been haunting me long enough, far long enough before he even came into the picture. and i don't expect you to be happy for me, why would i? all i ask is that you can respect the choices i've made, because i'm trying my hardest to ease all of this as much as i can.
Brendan... what you call a "dumb bitch".. well.. can't take the pain anymore. she's gone. i'm sorry.
goodbye, old friend.
what you call lying, i call keeping you from utter destruction.
do you think you could have honestly handled the truth at a time like that?
i know you too well.
what you call a temporary break up, i call a situation in fate's hands entirely.
it's not temporary. and i wouldn't have done it if it weren't what i thought was right.
impulse had nothing to do with it. i'd been thinking of a lot, over the course of that week you ignored me, along with the following week you spent every waking moment with me.
and as much as it pains me to say this... the deciding factor was if i was able to picture my life without you or not. i never ever used to even fathom the idea of living without you.. but the vivid picture of my life with and without you grew almost one in the same.
if you think hurting you was my first intention, you're wrong. but for once... for once in my gruesomely terrifying life filled with so much fear... i finally decided to do something for MYSELF. and in the process... i did something for you, too.
you're not a bad boyfriend. well.. you weren't to me. you were caring, considerate, fun, adventurous, lovable... you were right about so many things, and you taught me so much that no one else could. but there was one thing you weren't right about: me.
your tears kill me a little bit inside every day, and i knew i'd have to brace myself for hell when you received the message today. but not only am i doing this because i think.. know it's right; i'm doing this because i can't keep making you believe the thought of you and i can be repaired so effortlessly.
california couldn't fix us. no more fighting? no more time away? if it was as easy as that i wouldn't have thought we were so... hopeless.
i know your pride keeps you in so much misery and makes you HATE this feeling of being desperate or emotional... but from a friend point of view... it's life. you know i went through this pain (times a thousand) when my relationship with aaron went spiraling down, and the worst part about it was that there was nothing i could do to fix it. it hurts, probably one of the worst pains in the entire world. but.. time healed me. i came out alright, probably, even better than i was before.
the least bit i owe you is to be realistic and not ever let you call me yours out of sheer pity.
he had nothing to do with why i left. not feeling like i surpassed your pride, along with many other factors had been haunting me long enough, far long enough before he even came into the picture. and i don't expect you to be happy for me, why would i? all i ask is that you can respect the choices i've made, because i'm trying my hardest to ease all of this as much as i can.
Brendan... what you call a "dumb bitch".. well.. can't take the pain anymore. she's gone. i'm sorry.
goodbye, old friend.
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