Remember when I told you I was jealous of you before? I believe it's gone to a whole new level.
So, I was just skimming over some friend's pictures on the internet, and in the corner of my eye I notice my old friend had some of her and this boy she had only talked on the internet, but soon adored. I remember she used to tell me about him all the time, and that she didn't want to be stereotyped as the girl who held up a relationship only through a computer screen, like most actually do. And for some odd reason, I could totally understand what she had meant. And for as long as I've known her, I have never seen her smile about anyone as much as she had for him. They had pictures posted of them when he had come to Arizona to visit her. He lived out of state, and when I didn't think it was possible to connect so incredibly much through a computer screen, I was proven wrong. Every single picture of her and this boy made me smile. Whether they were looking funny, or holding hands, or just gazing into each other's eyes. They truly, genuinely care more about each other than an average married couple today, and at least a thousand times more than the average High School couple. I can almost promise you that. Part of me is so incredibly happy for her, it's insanity. And the other part still misses that old girl she was. I know that's impossible to bring back, but I'm the type of girl who can't help but have hope for things that are just hopeless.
If there was one thing her and I had in common, it was the fact that we both loved the ideas and fabrications of relationships, and love itself equally. And if you know me, I think about those kinds of things an INCREDIBLE amount, and she was the only other girl I've ever met who's done the same. She's found the love she and I have been dying for our whole lives. This boy is phenomenal for her, and speaking honestly, I can say that these two are true soul mates. I can only hope that the path I chose will be as successful as the one she's living and loving to this day. I'm so proud of her, and jealous of her all simultaneously. Even if she so happens to read this blog, and acknowledge all that I've been thinking about, I still don't want her to go out of her way, to try patch up the old friendship we had. And I know she might, because that's the kind of girl she is. But I'm content with watching her live her life so gratefully. Maybe I was holding her back, or maybe I was just someone along the way that helped her in a meaningful way become the person she is now. Some things about her will never change, and some things about her have, in many different ways. I'm sure, that since our friendship bloomed, I'm the same way.
In my mind, after analyzing everything, I kind of feel as if my actions helped me make a decision I would have made, in a bigger picture. I'd rather her be as astonishingly happy with her life, even though I'm not in it anymore, than her be a little less than satisfied, with me being involved in it, as her best friend. I never planned on letting our friendship dim as much as it has, but I remember telling her that above all things, I wanted her to be happy. And it's true. I never thought of the possibility of all of this fanning out the way it did, but as much as I want to change what happened, I wouldn't dream of ever doing it. Seeing her happy is worth losing the pointless videos we would have made, or the times we would have laughed our asses off about inside jokes that happened years ago, or looking back on old pictures of when we never cared what we looked like, or singing like freaks on Karaoke Revolution, or the late nights we would have shared sitting up talking about everything. I won't say I wouldn't have enjoyed every waking second of it, with her so involved in my life. I miss her, a lot. Though, the person she is today was not the person who was my best friend before. I guess we just grew apart, and as painful as it is, I know it's for the right reasons. Just because she's not my best friend, doesn't mean she's lost the indescribably trust I had in her for such a long time. Just because she's not my best friend anymore, doesn't mean I don't love her and don't always want what's best for her. I do. And for as long as I live, I hope she knows that if she's ever meant something to me (which she has), then she always will mean something to me.
So here's to the strong, religious girl who used to be my amazing, yet lost best friend. When I thought you couldn't get stronger, you proved me wrong. I love you so much, even still, Relish. I hope you have a great life.