have you ever been driving down the road, maybe listening to something nice on the radio, and you come to a stoplight, and notice the select few around you, and just think about it for more than several seconds?
whenever i hit a stoplight, i somehow always wonder what kinds of things are going on in everyone's life around me. if the aging man in the oldsmobile to my left is on his way home after a long days work at walmart, or if the distraught, tired looking girl to my right, no more than a year older than me, is aimlessly driving around after getting dumped by her boyfriend who decided he just didn't want her anymore.
we are surrounded by people we don't know every. single. day. and when i try my hardest to put myself into their life as much as i can for seconds at a time, i wonder what my life would be like if i didn't have to wonder; if they were a part of my life, if i knew them, or if they made an impact in some way, somehow.
but every one of us come into this world and fade out of it not genuinely knowing nearly any of them.
i remember i was sitting in the car with my friend one night, and she was telling me how she lives by this philosophy that goes, "everyone has a story. good or bad, a story is a story." which i couldn't help but agree with. everyone's got something to say, everyone misses someone, everybody feels pain, and everybody has the opportunity to feel genuinely.. happy.
and so on that note, there's something that's been on my mind:
my life isn't something i feel worth broadcasting to the world every waking moment of every day, though i'm sure a handful of people in my life would beg to differ. i knew from a young age that i wasn't meant to hold in my feelings; i'm a naturally curious, rambunctious child who was never meant to love with limits, or to restrict myself from crying and feeling true emotion like a human being should.
which is why i'm tired. the life has been knocked out of me. i don't want to be under any form of a spotlight any longer, to my family, or my friends, or my peers (and/or those who enjoy leaving harsh comments on formspring). everyone should know that i'm doing okay, and that i always will be okay, because i know how to pick myself back up regardless of who comes and goes and claims to help along the way.
for the past few months, i've been fully alive, but i haven't in the slightest been living.
i thought i was for a short time, but reality managed to catch up with expectation and i was left back at square one, but in a deeper rut than before.
i need people in my life, don't get me wrong. there are certain people i can't imagine tackling each day without comfort and solace in their words. but what's been scaring me away from people in general is the idea that nothing really does last forever; not friendships, not relationships, not optimism, nor pessimism. and.. i don't know, i'm losing more and more faith in fate. but i do genuinely believe that things happen for a reason. does that make sense?
oh, whatever, i'm starting to confuse even myself.
i guess... i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've got a lot of troubles, i know, and i share select things with the world once i'm ready to take on what it has to offer me. and no, i'm not conceited nor selfish in that manner, because one thing i know more than most is that EVERYONE has troubles, too. pain is different to you, and to me, and to just about anyone else, i'm sure. we all have happiness, and sadness. we all have confusion, and clarity. we all have love, and despair.
there's certain things i want in my life right about now, but i'm starting to realize i'll have to be patient for them, and work hard for them, because i myself am made of flaws, however, with good intentions, and i only find it fair that i mend the mistakes i've made in hopes that it will reap better results.
one of those "things" in particular, being you.