i got my secondhand serenade on low playing in the background of my pitch dark room, lit only by the obnoxiously bright laptop screen. my heatpad wrapped profusely around my aching jaw, and my body at rest under blankets.
like i said, the perfect set up, right?
...right?
i, uh. well.. uhm. kids, i learned something today.
it took my ugly anxiety to act up, my makeup to smear all over my face, tears to fall, and my composure to.. well, for a lack of a better word, collapse genuinely in every which way possible, for me to learn this.
so, i'll explain it the only way i know how to, i suppose. but to start off, i'll send you back to the beginning, like usual.
i used to think i was one nerdy "to-do" list short of a love guru. and, i was.. i think.
go back and read the blog posts i put up before, ehh.. august of 2009.
i basically researched "love" and "relationships" like it was some sick book report that i could never quite finish all the way through.
then.. i finally shut that book report down and got myself someone to fall in love with.
sure, it was wonderful and everything i dreamed of... for about 5 months.
he, uh.. well he scarred me for life, i guess you could say.
i don't think, psychologically, i'll ever fully fit all the pieces back in place just right, but i'm okay these days.
the following 4 months were filled with fears, heartache, confusion, and choices. i finally found myself three things by the following april:
used, bruised, and out of love.
then i guess i fell in love again, really really fast.
more than i was before, because this time i "got it right."
(hahaha... yeah right.)
things were wonderful and magical and exactly how they made it seem in the movies but in real life, and i was swept off my feet, this time, for the better.
until he dropped me. hard. and instead of picking me back up like he told me he would, he left me there to rot, profusely, for months and months without one single second look back. after all the spite, and heartbreak, and confusion, i picked myself up, dusted myself off... and actually convinced myself that these boys were mere stepping stones, and that the third time was going to be RIGHT.
hahaha.. ah, such a naive child was i.
so, next came a strapping boy, one i had at the time admired.
well, he uh.. he came out of nowhere you see, under the radar, always a friend and a good one at that.
though i was hated for it, i thought i'd give him a chance-- i told myself that this time? i wasn't gonna fall in love anymore until love decided to fall for ME.
which is probably why he left within the month....
SO moving on.
uhhh, after that i decided love was stoopid. like really? SO STOOPID.
i'm the one who like, researched it for months and months, and experienced what it's like to break a heart AND get my heart broken, experience long term AND short term, so I KNEW EVERYTHING.
(hehheeh).
so i decided that if i, desiree srinivas, was not worthy of love, then there must be something wrong with the system.. so it was stupid.
so, to cushion the following winter months, i filled them with a few flings and dates here and there (aghem, two ridiculous kids in particular... hahaha silly boys)
then good old recent ex boy came back!
i felt like this time, things were different, and we could do this. really do this.
we were like bffls and lovers, so everything was gonna work out, and we could be honest with each other about anything and everything. and we were, and by all means, it was a healthy loving relationship. (or at least, healthy and loving according to my skewed standards.)
i... i gave him every last thing i had left in me. (for better or for worse) because i thought this was my last shot, my last hope. there was no more moving forward, but only moving backward to past love and loss, because that was all i even deserved at this point. i was worn out :/
and so that's how things were, dandy as can be, for 5 months.
until they weren't... at all.
i was craving something, something beyond what i was used to and beyond what i had.
i was tired of being afraid, feeling overwhelmed, and feeling less than enough...
i NEVER deserved some of the hurtful words i got, or the drunken affection i reluctantly accepted with a painful grin on my face.
so i did what i guess i do best. i left.
and i did what i do second best by accident... fell head over heels. again.
but this time? harder.
in fact... i'm kind of still falling.
and i want everyone and their mothers to know how hard i'm falling for someone who's NOT like any of those other boys, but indeed, different and more exceptionally wonderful than all of them combined.
no. not because he's more handsome (which he is) or because he's funnier (which he actually REALLY is), or even because he's just a teeny bit more charming and desirable (which he most certainly is, and I ACTUALLY GOT HIM. hehehe..)
nope. none of those things, (regardless of how much of a bonus they may be)
but simply because he's different. legitimately. he sees me for every single thing i am, good or bad, and every last thing i never was. and he loves that. can you believe it?
i'm sure anyone who reads my blog has read these stories so many times over and over...
and i'm sure i've addressed these stories with such bias depending on what mood my heart decides to express.
but tonight i'm addressing something i'm entirely unfamiliar with, that is not quite tainted by bias.
guess what world?
desiree varsha srinivas can be loved, LOVED, without having to surrender herself physically.
and.. i mean, it's gonna take some time to fully comprehend, and understand, and believe.. but.. it.. it's true.
and guess what?
it's not just me. every single freakin' girl on this EARTH deserves to be LOVED for, for their smiles. their eyes. their laughter, or their pretty hair. their corny jokes. their cute kisses. their funny way about holding hands. their unforgettable ability to stay in someone's head for days at a time. their.. anything. their EMOTIONS.
someone really, really special and close to my heart taught me that tonight. now.. i.. it's complicated, and only the most genuine of boys (filling up quite a small percentage in the world today) can really teach you that after getting to know everything about you, and lovin' you anyways.
it hurts a little, because i can't just automatically convince myself that everything's fine and dandy and that i'm used to this... i'm not. at all.
when.. ever since my first relationship, i was thrown into the reigns, physically and emotionally, and i recklessly threw away everything i knew and believed to selflessly make someone happy, because i thought i loved them. thought i cared for them, and maybe i did at one point, but.. i always thought that being flexible about a lot of things was how it was supposed to be, it was a way i found happiness, and searched for acceptance; to know i was pretty, wanted, worth something.. anything.
which is exactly what all those other boys made me think. but now, what i once thought i loved, are mere stepping stones.
they led me to exactly where i not only want to be... but need to be right now.
i... i got so worked up over relationships, that i forgot what it's about.. i forgot about my most cherished, favorite thing in the entire universe; love.
"you're perfect to me. you're beautiful, so beautiful, and you make me happy. you make me want to be with you every freakin' second. desiree, don't you see? your love is enough. it always has been."
thanks for being that extra push i've needed all along.