you KNOW the last place i want to put this is on my blog... but since your blog screams my name everywhere... i suppose this is like a personal response.
what you call lying, i call keeping you from utter destruction.
do you think you could have honestly handled the truth at a time like that?
i know you too well.
what you call a temporary break up, i call a situation in fate's hands entirely.
it's not temporary. and i wouldn't have done it if it weren't what i thought was right.
impulse had nothing to do with it. i'd been thinking of a lot, over the course of that week you ignored me, along with the following week you spent every waking moment with me.
and as much as it pains me to say this... the deciding factor was if i was able to picture my life without you or not. i never ever used to even fathom the idea of living without you.. but the vivid picture of my life with and without you grew almost one in the same.
if you think hurting you was my first intention, you're wrong. but for once... for once in my gruesomely terrifying life filled with so much fear... i finally decided to do something for MYSELF. and in the process... i did something for you, too.
you're not a bad boyfriend. well.. you weren't to me. you were caring, considerate, fun, adventurous, lovable... you were right about so many things, and you taught me so much that no one else could. but there was one thing you weren't right about: me.
your tears kill me a little bit inside every day, and i knew i'd have to brace myself for hell when you received the message today. but not only am i doing this because i think.. know it's right; i'm doing this because i can't keep making you believe the thought of you and i can be repaired so effortlessly.
california couldn't fix us. no more fighting? no more time away? if it was as easy as that i wouldn't have thought we were so... hopeless.
i know your pride keeps you in so much misery and makes you HATE this feeling of being desperate or emotional... but from a friend point of view... it's life. you know i went through this pain (times a thousand) when my relationship with aaron went spiraling down, and the worst part about it was that there was nothing i could do to fix it. it hurts, probably one of the worst pains in the entire world. but.. time healed me. i came out alright, probably, even better than i was before.
the least bit i owe you is to be realistic and not ever let you call me yours out of sheer pity.
he had nothing to do with why i left. not feeling like i surpassed your pride, along with many other factors had been haunting me long enough, far long enough before he even came into the picture. and i don't expect you to be happy for me, why would i? all i ask is that you can respect the choices i've made, because i'm trying my hardest to ease all of this as much as i can.
Brendan... what you call a "dumb bitch".. well.. can't take the pain anymore. she's gone. i'm sorry.
goodbye, old friend.