so.. i think i kinda sorta figured something out that seems to make a lot of sense in my mind.
as living, breathing, human beings... at the end of the day you could give us money and we'd find temporary happiness living out our cliche desires through material things. you could give us clothes, food, and a warm place to sleep at night and we'd find contentment in our survival. but, give us love? and that, my friends, is what keeps us living.
"all you need is love," is sure as hell right. for those of you who don't believe in love, then refer to that comforting, faithful feeling you get around people you trust and can't picture your life without.
unfortunately, though, love is a tricky tricky thing. i've found that the main source of all failures in relationships (a specific form of love), is simply due to the fact that we're so concerned with the little things. they consume our thoughts, our doubts, and our actions.
and the fact of the matter is... we're always afraid of loving too much. we want the other person to love us more, so that in face of adversity, we prevent ourselves from pain caused by caring too stinkin' much. but if both feel that way, how does it work out? well, uhm, it doesn't.
simply because if she loves you more, then you feel safe, yet eventually empowered, and you feel like you've got control of the relationship, because you know her heart only rests with you, regardless of how many girls your heart rests with. however, if he loves you more, it's cute and comfortable for a while, until it smothers you and you lose the love you once had.
so, moral of the story, kids? nobody wins.
that whole "everything's fair in love and war" phrase has got to be the biggest load of satirical crap i've ever heard. because absolutely nothing about love (or war in this case) is in the least bit justifiable OR fair.
and if it turns out you love them more? well, you're screwed. which is usually the case.
you wanna talk to them, because they brighten your day, yet they've got about a thousand things on their plate and their mind that come far before you, sweetheart.
you wanna see them, even just for 5 minutes because you know that'd make everything right, but it just so happens their broken, empty promises are the only consistent thing about them.
you fight, viciously, about something so stupid because deep down you're only mad because of the distorted bigger picture, and you're bitter about feeling so.. STUPID. and you hope that no matter what you say, they'll love you or care about you enough to use that as an opportunity to turn it all around for the better..... but they don't. because, regardless of what you thought or how they used to be, at this point in time, keeping you and losing you are one in the same.
....you know, i didn't deserve that right?
i deserve someone who doesn't hide behind his excuse of, "life getting in the way," and "me having to deal with it."
i don't deserve the ditching, or the waiting by the phone to see if maybe this time you could squeeze me in your perfect lifestyle for a measly 5 minutes. blaming your lack of consideration on your priorities would have been the perfect, most understandable excuse... if you hadn't treated me so well less than a month ago under the same circumstances.
you know, it's really really funny how about 96% of the people in our lives who so strongly protest against certain attributes of another, such as their heartlessness, selfishness, cockiness, and all around stupidity, tend to grow those attributes in time, like its nothing.
now i know why some people just give up on love, and choose not to believe in it. it's kinda like santa claus, ya know? yeah, when you're little it's your fantasies of the possibilities of it all that give it life, and make it so magical. but then when the kids at school throw around the fact that santa isn't real, you doubt yourself, and question everything. and once your mom tells you he's not real, never has been, and never will be... well, that loss you feel isn't because you wish a fat man with a bag slid through your chimney every december, but... because now that you know that he never did and never will, you couldn't save the magic even if you tried.
believing in love is about believing in its power, and its "magic."
but when you're filled with so much doubt from sucky relationships (ie. kids at school and your mother), you learn to doubt just about everything... to feel almost nothing... and to actually accept a sick thought like that.
it's just not right. because honestly? i love love. or at least i did. that was before i knew that so many boys could seem so different from the last, until they get up and leave for the same damn selfish reasons. and me, being one of the examples of the side that tends to care/love MORE, i'm sure that's flippin' fantastic for the boys who enjoy taking what they can get before flaking out. but it's not good when all i try keep in my mind are happy, optimistic thoughts of a better tomorrow and potentially finding someone who's got their head on straight, and getting proven wrong every. single. time.
funny thing is, is that i still hold on to the fact that one day, i'm gonna find a boy brave enough to love me more than i'll love him, which will still be more than i can imagine... and because he's brave enough to do that, i'd give him and that relationship everything i could. but silly, make-believe stuff like that isn't real. unless, that is, something or someone out there can prove it.
you know, ironically, we wrack our brains trying to make sure we're loved more than we love, when that's exactly what tears us apart. ironically, we fight until no ends, in hopes that it sparks something that was never there to begin with in pursuit of peace. ironically, we'd go our entire lives, to the very grave, swearing we'd never be susceptible to something that'll help us to know what it feels like to actually just.. live for once.