I've been thinking a lot today, but actually I've been thinking mostly about one thing. (which tends to come up often).
Relationships.
Now, basically everyone who knows me knows I've never had a boyfriend before. And if you didn't, well hey guess what! it's true.
Hah, I guess I've been thinking about specific people, and the things I've had before.
Also... why those things never bloomed into anything more.
About 8 times out of 10, I blame myself whether it was my fault or not.
I'm just disappointed in hearing people tell me "You need to have your first kiss already," or "You need yourself a boyfriend!"
I already think about it with at least 80% of my time, and I'm aware of every waking possibility, trust me.
And, I feel so behind with everyone. Not one person is in any nearly similar predicament as I'm in.
More than anything I want something like, what seems, everyone else in this world has.
I'm not that incredibly picky, I just can't imagine myself settling my first time around.
Odds are a lot of people assume I'm either:
1. afraid of commitment (which I USED to be, but am not anymore)
2. shallow (which is definitely not the case, ask anyone)
or 3. scared.
and above all things, I hate being called a coward, or told that I'm scared by people who wouldn't know.
I'm terribly sorry if it bothers anyone that I'm waiting and waiting for a boy who knows me so well. Who can protect me, and cheer me up every now and again. Who can hold my hand all the time, even when I least expect it. Who's willing to fight with me if truly necessary. Who respects me and my choices, even if they don't always agree. Who can just hold me and tell me every thing's alright. Who can make me laugh. Who I can talk to about anything and everything. Who uses those cute corny nicknames. Who doesn't worry about impressing me, or anything like that. Who can withstand a fairly long relationship. Who can be honest and considerate. Who has every ability to break my heart, but wouldn't.
Maybe there's someone, or some few in mind, but I can almost promise you I'm wasting my time even trying anymore.
Getting my hopes up for this let-down is killing me,
but I can't seem to let go.