in light of today, and in light of this moment,
i just feel like words aren't enough anymore. i've gone through this blog post a thousand times over making it sound coherent and meaningful and everything i want it to be, but i don't think i'm able. my words could never serve as much of a purpose as these feelings, and these emotions. (well, as if mere words have ever been real competition to feeling, i suppose.)
call me one of those stupid, weird, attention-grabbing babies who lets the passing of someone they hardly knew artificially keep them up at night, but i'm slowly figuring out myself why something like this could mean.. well, anything to me. i didn't know you; i knew of you, with only the kindest and sincerest of interpretations, but no. i never knew you.
i remember, when i was little, people used to tell me all the time to, uh, "believe the unbelievable" or "expect the unexpected." but what i never truly expected or believed would come out of those commercialized phrases would be something so.. horrific, and morbid. i thought it stood as motivation to believe in my distant dreams, and expect wonderful things to happen in my darkest hours. not.. not to believe in agonizing death, and expect beautiful people to give in to it.
i bet at times like this you may be thinking something like, "how could things ever even get that bad?"
maybe there are times you think that way 'cause you don't know what else to think. sometimes, it replaces your belief that certain things are even... real.
in reality,
someone lost their baby/older sister.
someone lost their good/best friend.
someone lost their girlfriend, their loved one.
and one of the worst pains, in my opinion that nobody on this entire earth deserves...
someone lost, and outlived their own child.
that sickening feeling doesn't just disappear. ever. death does that to you.
it took years to mourn the passing of my grandfather. and now, it's revealed itself once again to me, merely hearing of a young girl taking her life. similar feelings briefly touch the shore of my memory, and slowly ease back and forth, over and over, and if i could put it into words, into simple, lifeless words, gut-wrenching wouldn't even come close to describing it.
what literally shatters my heart to pieces is the sheer fact that she's missing out on some of the biggest experiences of her lifetime.
tell me how fair it is that someone so loved and so fragile can never walk down the aisles of a crowd to graduate from high school, college, or to walk down the aisles of a crowd to take someone's hand in marriage, or to walk down the aisles of a crowd to even find her seat on an airplane, to potentially see the world, or to...
ever physically grace any aisle or place with her beautifully haunting presence ever again.
there's uh, this one quote she put on her facebook that i couldn't help but wonder about.
"nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
the hardest part of reading stuff like this, about anyone who ever thinks they're unworthy of life for any reason, is the fact that she could ever even have the capacity to imagine her ending being so empty.
i guess maybe this hideous void i've obtained and this seemingly unnecessary sadness has conquered me, because, in a way, her and i relate.
just because you're loved, no matter how hard you want love, and want to feed off of love, and literally cannot live without love... that doesn't mean you'll ever really feel love.
indeed, she was loved... is loved. by so many, it's obvious even just by news feeds and wall posts. lots of people say stuff like...
"i didn't know her but she was so beautiful." or "she seemed so happy." or "she will always be in our hearts."
some even say, "because of this, i won't ever consider suicide again." and in spite of pain, what we've got to remember is that we all take stuff like this differently. suppression, depression, aggression, and even disconnection. i've been down in the dumps for a variety of reasons, and i know anyone reading this has too. i have yet to release my suppressed anger, sadness, and confusion in a truly reasonable manner... but yes, because of her, i can rest easy knowing this life is and always will be worth living to me; that every breath is worth taking, no matter how much pain that can and will come with it.
it all happens for a reason--everything in this life--believable or not; expected or unexpected.
and in light of today, and in light of this moment, this moment that i can never once get again, nor would i want to, for i have so many more to live and cherish, with this ever-present feeling of not only LIFE, but LIVING,
i wont be scared. and neither should you.
for any lost souls out there, read this over again (or for the very first time):
http://desireevarsha.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-are-loved.html
because no other words could ever be more true or more timeless.
if you've ever once wondered who would mourn the ending of your very own life, i can promise you there will always be someone. always.
"life is for the living, i've heard tell that it is why we are young. in the morning sun, you take every year as it comes. but when your life is over, all those years fold up like an accordion; they collapse just like a broken lung."
it could have been any of us. because at the end of the day, what we all have in common with her is that we're all loved, and we all deserve to live, regardless of the choices that we make, or that life potentially makes for us.
rest in peace, beautiful soul. you weren't scared. i didn't know you, but i bet if i did, i would have never once regretted it.
eternity will forever smile on you.